52 Jokes For Adults
Stress Joke
You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress. In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.
Logical Joke
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father: Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality? Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question: Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $? Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, tells the wife Daddy turns to his teenage daughter: Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $? Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room. Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $! Eldest son thinks a little and replies: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep. Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him: You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay.
Dirty Joke
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time. What is it? A last name! And shame on you for thinking it was something else.”
Cowboy Joke
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them. The Chief comes up to him and asks: What do you want for your first wish? I want to talk to my horse, replies the cowboy. The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their tepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the tepee, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks him once again: What do you want for your second wish? I want to talk to my horse, once again replies the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their tepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: So, what do you want for your last third wish? I want to talk to my horse, for the third time replies the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it: You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!
Woman Joke
Young Woman In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Currency Joke
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Painter Joke
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: " Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress. In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.
Logical Joke
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father: Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality? Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question: Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $? Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, tells the wife Daddy turns to his teenage daughter: Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $? Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room. Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $! Eldest son thinks a little and replies: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep. Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him: You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay.
Dirty Joke
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time. What is it? A last name! And shame on you for thinking it was something else.”
Cowboy Joke
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them. The Chief comes up to him and asks: What do you want for your first wish? I want to talk to my horse, replies the cowboy. The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their tepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the tepee, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks him once again: What do you want for your second wish? I want to talk to my horse, once again replies the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their tepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: So, what do you want for your last third wish? I want to talk to my horse, for the third time replies the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it: You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!
Woman Joke
Young Woman In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Currency Joke
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Painter Joke
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: " Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."