Dirty Jokes
Scary Joke
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!" "Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service." "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point." "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says. "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." 'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
Painter Joke
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: " Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
Wife Joke
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Week Joke
Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. Remember seven days WITHOUT GOD makes One WEAK!!
Crazy Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Revange Joke
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
Boys Joke
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Deadly Joke
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Picnic Joke
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
Woman Joke
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like that would cost him. God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history....
Smart Woman Joke
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Scientist Joke
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no! You go get your own dirt!"
Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”
Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.
School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes.
Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.
Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg.
Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.
My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”
Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on
a farm animal show on TV.
With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.
Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks.
Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”
Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.
For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit.
Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it!
I took two bites and went blind!”
Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.
Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!”
I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!
Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”
Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long?
A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Teacher Joke
Husband Wife Joke
*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*
*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*
*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*
*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*
*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*
*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*
*Husband: Yes ready*
*WIFE: .....TURKEY*
*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*
*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*
Challenging The Elephant
Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*
Funny Innovations
Short Facts
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said *go to hell !"*
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*
Unique Army Vehicle
Amazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear" has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.
Prayer Is A Necessity
The Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*
I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*
Future Technology
BEFORE MARRIAGE
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady : Do you love me?
Man : Of course
Lady : Will you ever cheat me?
Man : Never in my life
Lady : Will you ever hug me?
Man : Every chance I get
Lady : Will you hit me?
Man : Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man : Yes
Lady : Sweet heart
AFTER MARRIAGE
Now Read from bottom to top
Beware
Why Men are happier than Women:-
1. Whole life,
one Surname.
2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.
3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.
4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.
5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.
6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.
7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.
In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.
Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*
*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*
*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*
*Man :- "How do you know?"*
*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*
*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*
*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*
*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*
*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*
Smart Dogs
Best Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)
Life Is Valuable
Brain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!! ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(I love this part..
It's absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
3....4....
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?
Reality Of Life
Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:
*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*
*Then,*
*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*
*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*
*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*
*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*
*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*
*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*
*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*
*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*
*"ATTITUDE"...*
*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*
*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*
Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers
Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."
Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."
Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."
Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...
Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani
Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"
Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*
Married Man Jokes
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...
Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!
Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"
The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!
New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*
Don't be so excited about New Year.....
Only the calendar will change.....
Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!
Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron
Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges
Dogs Playing With Balloons
Dog Doing Maths
The Parrot Who Can Pray
Cock Plays Snooker
Monkeys Take A Piggy Ride
The Fortunate Crow
The Dog Cat Monkey Family
Funny Snake Catcher
The Poor Old Dog
The Smart Monkey
The Talking Dog
Dogs Celebrate Christmas
Hatching Eggs
Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around, We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations. We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...
Traffic lights going for a walk.
BEWARE of accidents.
The Farmer's Cock
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...
Old cock to Young cock :
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.
Young cock: OKKK..
What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off
& when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ...
who cursed,
"Hell"
This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??
Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"
How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands
Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat
Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao
Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi
Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo
Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi
CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho
Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi
Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi
& the Best one
Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..
Women Humor
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*
I asked the girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"
She gave a very logical reply.
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,
They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,
"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"
"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"
"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."
*"What else does a wife require?"*
Leave Applications Jokes
(murdering english language)
Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
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Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute
The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.
One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
the bus.
Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
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A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly.....!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??
Okay........ here is the Answer............
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During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!
*Physics never go wrong*....
Don't look at me...!!
I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...
The Indian Joke
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.
He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !
"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.
Men will be always men ...
Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.
Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...
Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra also......
Ways to burn 100 Calories
1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins
*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*
In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!
KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...
Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
