HUMOR 126130

Funny SMS

We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.

5 and 2 had an argument. 2 1

Fun fact
Did you know that when you take all the nerves from a human body and align them so they’re forming a straight line, you’ll end up in jail for a really, really long time?

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
 A depresso.

I used to breed rabbits.
Then I realized they can handle it themselves.

Google request: How to disable autocorrect in wife?

Why are eggs not very much into jokes?
Because they could crack up.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems.
The first thing the rascal did was made me pay in advance.

Does your horse smoke?
No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.

What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

I ran into my ex in town yesterday.
Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too much by any standard.

What is written on a dentist’s grave?
He’s filling his last cavity.

Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.

What is sticky and brown?
A stick!

A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
He had it on airplane mode.

Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one. - “Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“

What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.

What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap?
A bulldozer!

Why do bees hum?
They don't remember the text!

What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
Answer: Nothing.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What swims and starts with a T?
Two ducks.

Blonde Jokes

Yes I Made It
A blond is walking on the street when she suddenly falls inside an uncovered manhole. She swears her way back up the ladder and manages to crawl all the way up, her clothes getting all torn up in the process. When she gets back to the top she wipes off the sweat from her forehead and says "Thank God the hole wasn't covered, or I would've never made it out!"

Wrong Guess 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!”NO," the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!"

The Best Way to Lose Weight
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Can I See the Doctor
A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi? I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

Free Cookie Ache 
One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took one. The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray. "Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit his lip. "I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.

Irked Husband
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!" "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about how much I spent on it." "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to cook it, I read the directions on the back and they said, "PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE," so I had to fly Alaska."

The Blonde Light 
There are two blondes working at a company together. The rest are redheads and brunettes. One day a blonde came in and started yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over to her and told her that if she yelled that again she would get fired. So the next day the blonde came in yelling "I'm a light, I'm a light!" The boss went over to her and told her that she was fired. So she started to pack her bags and her other blonde friend was packing her bags too. The boss went over to her and said "Why are you packing your bags I fired your friend not you?" "I know", said the blonde "but how am I supposed to work without a light?"

Easy Guess 
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and the truth fairy were walking down the street. There was a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Who picked it up? The dumb blonde, the other two don't exist.

Innovative Mail Box
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

A Smart Decision 
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

More Blonde Stories 
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

She Was So Blonde
She was so blonde...
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked on Phonics.'
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test... and failed.
She thought Boys II Men was a day-care centre.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.

Funny Jokes For Kids

Veterans Joke
When I took my school-age daughters to a lunch with veterans, I told them to ask questions. One of the men said he’d fought in the Korean War, and the girls were so impressed that the eldest wanted to know more: "Did you fight for the North or the South?"

Class Joke
My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll, and he never heard his name. "Why didn’t anyone tell me my name was William!?" he complained.

Daughter Joke
Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions … lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had had it. "Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra. "Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!" Terra was intrigued: "What was in the hole?"

Mother Joke
I sat in the doctor’s waiting room watching a young mother try desperately to control her three loud children. "They’re not a very good advertisement, are they?" she groaned apologetically. A man muttered, "Only if you’re advertising contraceptives."

Teacher Joke
"Where is Pearl Harbor?" I asked my fourth-grade history class. "Here’s a hint: It’s a place where everyone wants to go." One student blurted out, "Candy Land!"

Sister Joke
When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument. "What’s that?" she asked. "Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that’s his address, how does he get any mail?"

Girl Joke
I picked up my nine-year-old daughter from school and asked how her day had gone. A few minutes later, I repeated the question, and again a few minutes after that. Instead of annoyed, Ariana was philosophical. "Mom," she said, "your amnesia is my déjà vu."

Mall Joke
I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I’d had it. "Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded. Thrilled, he yelled back, "Will he take me to the zoo?"

Drink Joke
Our three-year-old daughter was making up a poem when she asked us what rhymed with stop. My husband said, "Think of something that’s cool and refreshing but that Mom and I don’t let you drink." Our daughter knew the answer: "Alcohol!"

Innocent Joke
While my three-year-old grandson was attending a birthday party, his friend’s father sneaked off to take a shower before work. Halfway through, the father heard a tapping on the shower door, followed by the sight of my grandson peering in. Looking around the stall, he asked, "Is my mom in here?"

Kid's Jokes

Boy Joke
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

Gift Joke
My daughter loved the picture frame her five-year-old son bought her for Mother’s Day. She found a photograph of him and replaced the cat photo that came with it. Landon became upset: "Why are you putting a picture of me in there when I bought you a picture of a cat?"

Teenager Joke
My 13-year-old nephew thought his "gangsta" outfit—low-riding pants and exposed boxers—made him look cool. That is, until the day his five-year-old cousin took notice. "Nathaniel," she yelled out in front of everyone. "Your panties are showing."

Father Joke
All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception. The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate."

Military Joke
Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off."

Weight Joke
Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale. "Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older brother. "It makes people cry."

Grandfather Joke
My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues. "What kind of costume is that?" he asked. "That’s not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform." The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"

Shopping Joke
We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I’m a genius!"

Drug Joke
My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an anti drug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had the answer: "Cigarettes, beer, and marinara."

Student Joke
Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. The students were a bit intimidated and didn’t know how to approach them. "Start by introducing yourself," I said. "Then ask what branch of the military they served in." One student walked over to a vet and promptly asked, "What tree are you from?"

Funny Jokes In Hindi

तीसरी क्लास का बच्चा (टीचर से) :- मैडम मै आपको कैसा लगता हूँ ??
मैडम :- सो स्वीट…
बच्चो :- तो मै अपने मम्मी पापा को कब भेजूं आपके घर ??
मैडम :- क्यों ??
बच्चा :- बात आगे बढाने के लिये…….!
मैडम :- ये क्या बकवास है ??
बच्चा :- ट्युशन के लिए……!
क्या मैडम आप भी ना… कसम से व्हाट्सएप पढ-पढ कर बिगड. गई हो…

टीचर: हिम्मत ए मर्दा तो मदद ए खुदा का मतलब बताओ?
संजू: जो अपनी बीवी के सामने मर्द बनने की कोशिश करता है उसकी मदद फिर खुदा ही कर सकता है।

टीचर: अगर रात में मच्छर काटे तो क्या करना चाहिए?
लड़का: चुपचाप खुजा कर सो जाना चाहिए। क्योंकि आप कोई रजनीकांत तो हो नहीं कि मच्छर से सॉरी बुलवा लोगे।

टीचर-संजू एक स्टोरी सूनाओ विद मॉरल
संजू -मैने उसको फोन किया वो सो रही थी…. फिर उसने मुझे फोन किया मैं सो रहा था …. .
मॉरल – जैसी करनी वैसी भरनी

टीचर:- एक तरफ पैसा,दुसरी तरफ अक्कल, क्या चुनोगे ?
विद्यार्थीः पैसा.
टीचर:- गलत, मै अक्कल चुनती
विद्यार्थीः- आप सही कह रही हो मेडम,जिसके पास जिस चीज की कमी होती है वो वही चुनता है …………… दे थप्पड़ दे थप्पड़

जी जान लगा दी हमने,
“नाम” को “दस्तख़त” बनाने में।
ये “कमबख़्त” ज़माना लौटकर
“अंगूठे” पर आ गया।।
Biometric thumb attendance
GLS SECURITY SYSTEM

एक टीचर ने बच्चे से पूछा : स्कूल क्या है ….??
बच्चे ने जवाब दिया : स्कूल वो जगह है ..जहाँ पर हमारे पापा को लूटा जाता है और हमें कूटा जाता है ..

मास्टर ने पूछा- कविता और निबंध में क्या अंतर है??
स्टूडेंट- प्रेमिका के मुंह से निकला एक शब्द भी कविता होता है और पत्नी का एक ही शब्द निबंध के समान होता है..
मास्टर के आंख में आंसू आ गए, गला भर आया.. उन्होने उस लड़के को क्लास का मानीटर बनाया ।

टीचर : किसी ऐसे द्रव्य का नाम बताओं जिसे जमा नहीं सकते ?
स्टुडेन्ट : गरम पानी !
टीचर : कौन से महिने में 28 दिन होते है ?
स्टुडेन्ट : Sir, वो तो हर महिने में होते है… !
टीचर (गुस्से में) : जा.. बाहर जाकर लाईन में सबसे आखीर में खड़े हो जा… थोड़ी देर बाद…
टीचर (गुस्से में) : तुझे मैंने कहा था न सबसे आखीर में खड़ा हो जा..
स्टुडेन्ट : Sir, पर उस जगह पर पहेले से ही कोई ख़ड़ा है !!

शिक्षक ने Black Board पर एक वाक्य लिखा और पूछा… “पोलिस वाला, ट्रक ड्राईवर को धमका रहा है”
इस वाक्य का नकारात्मक वाक्य बनाइए…
तभी तुरंत चंदु उठा और बोला – “सर, ट्रक ड्राईवर ने पोलिस वाले को हफ्ता दिया नहीं है”

सर ने क्लास में पूछा : एक महान वैज्ञानिक का नाम बताओ?
लड़का: आलिया भट्ट !
सर: छड़ी हाथ में लेकर…..यह सीखे हो?
दूसरा: ये तोतला है सर, आर्यभट्ट बोल रहा है….

बायोलॉजी के टीचर- सेल मतलब शरीर की कोशिकाएं…
फिजिक्स केे टीचर- सेल मतलब बैटरी…
इकॉनॉमिक के टिचर- सेल मतलब बिक्री….
हिस्ट्री के टीचर- सेल मतलब जेल….
अंग्रेजी के टीचर- सेल मतलब मोबाइल
मैने तो भाई पढ़ाई ही छोड दी,जिस स्कूल में पाँच शिक्षक…एक शब्द पर एकमत नहीं हैं…
उस स्कूल में पढ़ कर हमें क्या मिलेगा?

टीचर- कल स्कूल क्यों नहीं आया था?
लड़का- क्यों… कल जो आये थे वो कलेक्टर बन गए क्या ???

शिक्षक: बच्चों क्या तुम जानते हो क़यामत कब आएगी?
छात्र: हाँ सर,जब वैलेंटाइन डे और रक्षाबंधन एक ही दिन होगा….

टीचर :- न्यूटन का नियम बताओ..
लड़का:- सर पूरी लाइन तो याद नहीं,, लास्ट का याद है.
टीचर :- चलो लास्ट का ही सुनाओ
लड़का : …और इसे ही न्यूटन का नियम कहते है..

टीचर- तुम्हारा नाम क्या है?
लड़का- रहीम
टीचर- अब तुम भारत में हो,इसलिए आज से तुम्हारा नाम हम ” राम ” रखते है।
लड़का घर पहुंचा…
मां- पहला दिन कैसा रहा रहीम?
लड़का- मैं अब भारतीय हूं और आगे से मुझे राम कहकर पुकारना।
मां और पापा ने यह सुनते ही उसकी जमकर धुनाई कर दी। शरीर पर चोट के निशान लिए अगले दिन वह स्कूल पहुंचा।
टीचर- क्या हुआ राम ?
लड़का- मेरे भारतीय बनने के 4 घंटे बाद ही मुझपर 2 पाकिस्तानियों ने हमला कर दिया

******************

Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”

Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.


School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.


Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice. My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”


Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on 
a farm animal show on TV. With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how 
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.

Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to 
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks. Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”

Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time. For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! 
I took two bites and went blind!”

Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet. Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!

Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

Teacher Joke

Husband Wife Joke

*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*

*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*

*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*

*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*

*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*

*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*

*Husband: Yes ready*

*WIFE: .....TURKEY*

*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*

*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*

Challenging The Elephant

Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*

Funny Innovations

Short Facts

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby :  "My boss said *go to hell !"*
   

Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.


No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood


Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!


Whisky is a brilliant invention.

One double and you start feeling single again.      


It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*


Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*


Q - You know why women love shoes?

Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*


Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
 

Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?

Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*

       
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

       
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
     

The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
     

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*

       
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*

       
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*

Unique Army Vehicle

Amazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear"   has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.

Prayer Is A Necessity

The Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*

I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"

She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*

Future Technology

BEFORE MARRIAGE

Man : I have been waiting for this day

Lady : Do you want me to leave?

Man : No

Lady : Do you love me?

Man : Of course

Lady : Will you ever cheat me?

Man : Never in my life

Lady : Will you ever hug me?

Man : Every chance I get

Lady : Will you hit me?

Man : Are you crazy?

Lady : Can I trust you?

Man : Yes

Lady : Sweet heart

AFTER MARRIAGE

Now Read from bottom to top

Beware

Why Men are happier than Women:-

1. Whole life,
one Surname.

2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.

3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.

4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.

5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.

6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.

7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.

In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.

Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*

*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*

*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*

*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*

*Man :- "How do you know?"*

*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*

*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*

*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*

*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*

*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*

Smart Dogs

Best Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)

Life Is Valuable

Brain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!!          ALZHEIMERS'  EYE TEST

(I love this part..
 It's absolutely amazing!)

Count every  "  F  " in the following text:

FINISHED  FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED  WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE  BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

3....4....

WRONG,  THERE ARE  6  --  no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the  6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is  further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot  process "OF".

Incredible  or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts  all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three  is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your  friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?

Reality Of Life

Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:

*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*

*Then,*

*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*

*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*

*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*

*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*

*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*

*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*

*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*

*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*

*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*

*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*

     *"ATTITUDE"...*

*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*

*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*


Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers


Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."

Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?

Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."

Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."

Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.

Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...

Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani

Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"

Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*

Married Man Jokes
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"

I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.

For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.

When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!

And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!

Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"

The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!

New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*

Don't be so excited about New Year.....

Only the calendar will change.....

Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!

Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron

Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges

Dogs Playing With Balloons

Dog Doing Maths 

The Parrot Who Can Pray

Cock Plays Snooker

Monkeys Take A Piggy Ride

The Fortunate Crow

The Dog Cat Monkey Family

Funny Snake Catcher

The Poor Old Dog

The Smart Monkey

The Talking Dog

Dogs Celebrate Christmas

Hatching Eggs

Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around,  We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations.  We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...

Traffic lights going for a walk. 

BEWARE of accidents.

The Farmer's Cock
A farmer  owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...

As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...

Old cock to Young cock :

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have

all.

Young cock: OKKK..

What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off

 & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases  him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly..."BANG"!!!

Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot  dead by the farmer ...

who cursed,

"Hell"

This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??

Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring

at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:

 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"

How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands

Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat

Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao

Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi

Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo

Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi

CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho

Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi

Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi

& the Best one

Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..

Women Humor

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!

*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*

I asked the  girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"

She gave a very logical reply.

She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,

They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,

"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"

"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"

"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."

*"What else does a wife require?"*

Leave Applications Jokes

(murdering english language)

Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute

The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.

One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
 the bus.

Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.

Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
.
.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.

This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.

The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.

Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time he died instantly.....!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??

Okay........ here is the Answer............

-
-
-
-
-
-

During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!

 *Physics never go wrong*....

Don't look  at me...!!

I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...


The Indian Joke

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.

"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.

He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !

"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.

 Men will be always men ...

Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.

Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...

Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra  also......

Ways to burn 100 Calories

1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins

*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*


In a Nursery School Canteen...

There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :

"Do not take more than one, God is watching"

On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.

"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...

NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!


KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…

Moral :- Don’t be over smart...


Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?

Mummy : Because he speak only truth...

Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...


Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!