humor 15
Jokes
Man Woman Joke
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Emergency Joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Blonde Joke
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Rude Joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Zoo Joke
A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species. While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidentally hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.
The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He inquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”
Girlfriend Joke
Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house..? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talks to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche. Why I still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the salary when actually I am the BOSS.
Funny Videos
PRANKS 01
GAGS 01
BEST COMEDIANS 01
OTHER COMEDIANS 01
JOKES 01
Funny Quotes
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items?
Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed will remove the stains.
I have a complex about my simplicity. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
Michael Winner
A good way to save water is to dilute it.
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush
The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen and stupidity.
Paying for psychiatrist proves your crazy.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
He took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
No one has ever complained of our parachutes not opening.
“It's not so much a conviction as a strongly held belief.”
I bet you I could stop gambling.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson
They say you use only 10% of your brain. What about the other 10% ?
I think you'll agree with the joke that the people who invented the Internet never would have got around to doing it if they'd had the Internet.
Legend has it that the atom was split when a bunch of scientists working late decided to order pizza. Fran Lebowitz
My Internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible!
You know you've been on the Internet for too long when you've forgotten your children's' names.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach them to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I made my dog a Facebook page. Now he has more friends than me.
After I die, they will look through my tweets and see that my life was not wasted.
If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
Henry Ford
Press any key to continue, where's the any key?
Homer Simpson
Before there was an Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats.
To err is human and to blame it on computers is even more so.
Funny Games
Funny Game 1: Dress Up Contest
Ingredients:
Old Clothes, Scarves, Glasses, Shoes, Etc.
To Play:
Divide up into teams and choose one person to be the dress-up "dummy."
Use old clothes, scarves, glasses, shoes, and anything else that you can place on another person's body to dress up your "dummy."
Make your "dummy" as funny and creative as possible.
The funniest "dummy" is the winner.
Funny Game 2: Know Your Family
Ingredients: Hat, Pieces of Paper.
To Play:
Put all of the names of your relatives in a hat and have everyone draw a name.
They must discreetly interview that person sometime during the party and find out one secret that no one knows about them.
After everyone has had time to do the interviews, gather the group together and have them share the secret they learned.
The rest of the relatives must write down on a piece of paper what they think each secret is about. The person who guesses the most people correctly wins a prize.
Funny Game 3: Likes And Dislikes
Get to know your extended family even better.
Ingredients: Index Cards, Pens.
To Play:
Ask everyone to write down 5 of their likes and 5 of their dislikes on index cards.
Help the younger ones by writing for them.
At mealtime when everyone is gathered together, read the cards one at a time and have everyone try to guess which relative the information belongs to.
Funny Game 4: Scavenger Hunt
This is a game that is usually relatively inexpensive and time-consuming, good for both kids and parents.
Ingredients: Clue Sheets, Polaroid Cameras.
To Play:
Give the party goers clues that take them from place to place.
You can have the hunt go around the house or around the city.
If you're driving around town, have everyone take pictures with the items they are supposed to find.
The team that gets all the items first wins!
Funny Game 5: Detective's Case
Ingredients: Clue Sheets, Polaroid Cameras.
To Play:
Set out clues all over the yard and have kids collect them.
Then the kids have to figure out what the clues mean.
You might have them find clues to making a pizza, building a scarecrow, or solving a puzzle.
Funny Game 6: Crazy Olympics
Have a Crazy Olympics party and let the kids play silly games.
Ingredients: Eggs, Frisbees, Blind Folds, Golf Balls, Cotton Balls, Plastic Spoons.
To Play:
Play games like the Backwards Crab Walk, Blind (folded) Leapfrog, Impossible Obstacle Course, Frisbee Golf, etc.
Add a few ridiculous relay races for extra fun like pass the eggs, carry cotton on a spoon, one-legged race, and so on.
The kids can also play Silly Sports.
For example, they can golf with their feet instead of a golf club, or play baseball with a broom instead of a bat.
They can even run the bases backwards.
Or add in the traditional picnic games, a Sack Race, Egg Toss, Tug of War, Capture the Flag, Dodge Ball and that way the adults can play too.
Funny Game 7: Family Lineup
A fun game to see how well your family can actually work together. The aim is to get the team to lineup according to a distinguishing characteristic.
Ingredients: Just Add Guests!
To Play:
Gather the family and put them together in a few teams.
For example, put all of the cousins or aunts together as one team.
The emcee or leader of the reunion calls out a particular characteristic, like birth order, age, height, astrological sign, etc.
The first team to get lined up yells out “In Order” and they win that round.
Keep going for a few rounds.
The team with the most points wins a prize.
Prizes:
Photo Album Frame
Cookbooks
Family Recipes
Family Insignia Framed
Funny Images
******************
Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”
Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.
School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.
Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice. My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”
Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on a farm animal show on TV. With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.
Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks. Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”
Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time. For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! I took two bites and went blind!”
Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet. Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!
Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”
Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Married Man JokesTeacher JokeHusband Wife Joke
*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*
*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*
*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*
*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*
*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*
*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*
*Husband: Yes ready*
*WIFE: .....TURKEY*
*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*
*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*
Challenging The ElephantIntelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*
Funny InnovationsShort Facts
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said *go to hell !"*
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*
Unique Army VehicleAmazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear" has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.
Prayer Is A NecessityThe Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*
I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*
Future Technology
BEFORE MARRIAGEMan : I have been waiting for this dayLady : Do you want me to leave?Man : NoLady : Do you love me?Man : Of courseLady : Will you ever cheat me?Man : Never in my lifeLady : Will you ever hug me?Man : Every chance I getLady : Will you hit me?Man : Are you crazy?Lady : Can I trust you?Man : YesLady : Sweet heartAFTER MARRIAGENow Read from bottom to topBewareWhy Men are happier than Women:-
1. Whole life,
one Surname.
2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.
3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.
4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.
5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.
6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.
7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.
In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.
Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*
*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*
*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*
*Man :- "How do you know?"*
*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*
*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*
*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*
*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*
*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*
Smart DogsBest Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)
Life Is ValuableBrain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!! ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(I love this part..
It's absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
3....4....
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?
Reality Of Life
Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:
*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*
*Then,*
*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*
*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*
*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*
*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*
*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*
*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*
*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*
*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*
*"ATTITUDE"...*
*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*
*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*
Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers
Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."
Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."
Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."
Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...
Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani
Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"
Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...
Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!
Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"
The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!
New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*
Don't be so excited about New Year.....
Only the calendar will change.....
Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!
Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron
Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges
Dogs Playing With BalloonsDog Doing Maths
The Parrot Who Can PrayCock Plays SnookerMonkeys Take A Piggy RideThe Fortunate CrowThe Dog Cat Monkey FamilyFunny Snake CatcherThe Poor Old DogThe Smart MonkeyThe Talking DogDogs Celebrate Christmas
Hatching Eggs
Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around, We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations. We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...
Traffic lights going for a walk.BEWARE of accidents.
The Farmer's Cock
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...Old cock to Young cock :Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will haveall.Young cock: OKKK..What kind of competition?Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off& when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.Suddenly..."BANG"!!!Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ...who cursed,"Hell"This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staringat the wall.She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.'Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?''Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?''I remember that too' she replies softly.He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have been released today..!!!"
How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands
Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat
Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao
Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi
Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo
Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi
CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho
Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi
Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi
& the Best one
Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..
Women HumorLast night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*
I asked the girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"
She gave a very logical reply.
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,
They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,
"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"
"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"
"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."
*"What else does a wife require?"*
Leave Applications Jokes(murdering english language)
Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute
The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.
One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
the bus.
Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
.
.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly.....!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??
Okay........ here is the Answer............
-
-
-
-
-
-
During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!
*Physics never go wrong*....
Don't look at me...!!
I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...
The Indian Joke
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,"What is the fastest thing you know?"Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.""That's very good!" replied the interviewer."And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian."Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA.""WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats..."Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.
Men will be always men ...
Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.
Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...
Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra also......
Ways to burn 100 Calories
1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins
*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*
In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!
KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...
Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
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