Very Funny Jokes
Airline Joke
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
Fruit Joke
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.
Dog Joke
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"
Birthday Joke
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
Pessimist Joke
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Science Joke
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!
Tech Joke
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Grammar Joke
Grammar walks into a Bar:
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave.
A comma splice walks into a bar; it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Minister Joke
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Jokes And Riddles
Parrot Joke
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
School Joke
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."
Airport Joke
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Hospital Joke
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?" "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim. "Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered. "Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
Tech Joke
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Creation Joke
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no! You go get your own dirt!"
Jokes Of The Day
Q: What has a foot but no legs?
A: A snail
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing
Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain
Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A: A candle
Q: Mary’s father has 5 daughters – Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the fifth daughters name?
A: If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. It’s Mary!
Q: How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it?
A: It can have a hole in it.
Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!
What color were the stairs?
A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house!
Q: A dad and his son were riding their bikes and crashed. Two ambulances came and took them to different hospitals. The man’s son was in the operating room and the doctor said, “I can’t operate on you. You’re my son.”
How is that possible?
A: The doctor is his mom!
Q: What goes up when rain comes down?
A: An umbrella!
Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between each ‘s’
Q: If I drink, I die. If i eat, I am fine. What am I?
A: A fire!
Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?
A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob.
Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one spot?
A: A stamp!
Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years?
A: The letter M
Q: What has 4 eyes but can’t see?
A: Mississippi
Q: If I have it, I don’t share it. If I share it, I don’t have it. What is it?
A: A Secret.
Q: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
A: EMPTY
Q: What has hands but can not clap?
A: A clock
Q: What can you catch but not throw?
A: A cold.
Q: A house has 4 walls. All of the walls are facing south, and a bear is circling the house. What color is the bear?
A: The house is on the north pole, so the bear is white.
Q: What is at the end of a rainbow?
A: The letter W!
Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute?
A: His breath!
Q: What starts with the letter “t”, is filled with “t” and ends in “t”?
A: A teapot!
Q: What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?
A: Silence.
Q: You walk into a room with a match, a kerosene lamp, a candle, and a fireplace. Which do you light first?
A: The match.
Q: A man was driving his truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. Up ahead, a woman was crossing the street. How did he see her?
A: It was a bright and sunny day!
Q: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?
A: A palm!
Q: If an electric train is travelling south, which way is the smoke going?
A: There is no smoke, it’s an electric train!
Q: You draw a line. Without touching it, how do you make the line longer?
A: You draw a shorter line next to it, and it becomes the longer line.
Q: What has one eye but cannot see?
A: A needle
Q: A man leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two men wearing masks. Who are those two men?
A: A Catcher and Umpire.
Q: Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh one pound!
Q: How many months have 28 days?
A: All 12 months!
Q: A frog jumped into a pot of cream and started treading. He soon felt something solid under his feet and was able to hop out of the pot. What did the frog feel under his feet?
A: The frog felt butter under his feet, because he churned the cream and made butter.
Q: A horse is on a 24 foot chain and wants an apple that is 26 feet away. How can the horse get to the apple?
A: The chain is not attached to anything.
Q: If a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks and a pink house is made out of pink bricks, what is a green house made of?
A: Glass
Q: What goes up a chimney down but can’t come down a chimney up?
A: an umbrella
Q: We see it once in a year, twice in a week, and never in a day. What is it?
A: The letter “E”
Q: Mr. Blue lives in the blue house, Mr. Pink lives in the pink house, and Mr. Brown lives in the brown house. Who lives in the white house?
A: The president!
Q: They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?
A: Stars!
Q: How do you make the number one disappear?
A: Add the letter G and it’s “GONE”
Q; What goes up but never comes down?
A: Your age!
Pastor Joke
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
English Jokes
Redhead Joke
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and his redhead wife goes with him.
After the checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office without her husband.
He says to her, "I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, along with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will soon die:
Every morning, make him a healthy breakfast.
Always be pleasant towards him, and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nice, nutritious meal. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Make sure you don't burden him with chores. And don't discuss your problems with him, because it'll only make his stress even worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband every night and you must satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will get better and regain his health."
After this, the redhead leaves the doctor's office and walks out of the building with her husband.
As they do so, the guy asks his wife. "So what did the doctor say to you?"
The redhead replies, "You're going to die."
What do you call a letter from a feminist?
Hate male.
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy.
Everywhere he went, people shouted "Hi Hitler" and gave him a little wave.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
Hitler and Goering are standing at the top of Berlin’s tallest radio tower.
Hitler says he needs to do something that will brighten up the German people.
Goering says, "Why don't you jump off?"
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronizing her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff and says, "I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten."
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. "Mein Führer, why do you want to kill a kitten?"
Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. "You see, no one cares about the Jews."
My girlfriend is a feminist.
Which basically means she finds sexist jokes utterly abhorrent until one is made about men.
What do you call a happy feminist?
I'll let you know if I ever see one.
How do you confuse a feminist?
Tell her that you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.
Genie Joke
A ginger guy finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out.
The genie is a bit fed up but says, "Okay, you can have one wish. What do you want?"
The ginger says, "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold."
The genie looks at him and says, "Don't be an idiot! Do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That's impossible. You'll have to pick something else."
So the ginger says, "Okay, I want everyone to stop laughing at me because of my hair color."
The genie says "So this mansion... Do you want ensuite bathrooms?"
My friend who's really short had a party the other night and he only invited other really short people.
It was just a little get together.
Why don't feminist's go to the gym?
Because it has a male name.
What's the first question during a feminist quiz night?
What are you looking at?
I asked a dwarf to lend me 5 dollars yesterday.
He said, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
What's the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in it's life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.
I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.
Why do short people have a hard time raising a family?
Because they struggle to put food on the table.
Pregnancy Joke
My girlfriend is pregnant, and yesterday we went to the first ultrasound together.
"At this stage everything looks absolutely fine," said the obstetrician.
As I looked at the fuzzy black and white image, I was elated and relieved, but also confused at the same time.
How did they know it's not ginger?
I met a couple of really short people today.
They were really down-to-earth guys.
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
He's a small medium who's at large.
I tried to go into a midget nightclub last night.
The bouncer stopped me on the door and said I couldn't go in.
I asked, "Why not?"
He said, "Because you're not on the shortlist."
I saw a really short guy walking to catch a bus today.
When he saw it coming down the road he broke into a jog.
It was getting closer and he still wasn't at the bus stop so started sprinting but it drove off before he got there.
It was too little too late.
Gujarati Jokes
પીયર ગઈ પત્ની ફોન પર- તમારા વગર જી નહી લાગતું
પતિ- અરે ગાંડી Zee નહી લગે તો સ્ટાર પ્લસ અને સોની જોઈ
લે એ પણ સારા ચેનલ છે.
છોકરીઓ 1000 કપડામાંથી પસંદ કરવામાં કંફ્યૂજ રહે છે કે
ક્યું પહેરું
અને છોકરાઓ ચાર કપડામાંથી
આ વિચારે છે કે કયાંમાં
બદબૂ ઓછી આવી રહી છે.
શિક્ષક - MATHSનુ ફુલ ફોર્મ બતાવો ?
વિદ્યાર્થી - મારી આત્મા તને હંમેશા સતાવશે !
ટીચર - આજ સુધી વિચારી કરી રહ્યા છે કે .. વિદ્યાર્થીએ ફુલ ફોર્મ બતાવ્યુ હતુ કે શ્રાપ આપ્યો હતો
એક વાર ક્લાસમાં ટીચર બાળકોને સમજાય રહી હતી કે
ગરીબોથી લાગણી રાખવી
પપ્પૂ તરત જ બોલ્યો- હવે મને સમજાયું
ટીચર-શું
પપ્પૂ- ત્યારે તો પાપા નોકરાણીને ગળા મળે છે
મમ્મી દૂધવાળાને અને દીદી ડ્રાઈવરને !!
દુકાનદાર- શું જોએઈ?
ગ્રાહક- જી યોનિ
દુકાનદાર- શું બોલ્યું કૂતરો..
ગ્રાહક- જિયોનીનો મોબાઈલ જોઈએ
ગુજરાતી જોક્સ-ચેંજિંગ રૂમ
સની લિયોન માલમાં ગઈ અને કેટલાક કપડા સેલેક્ટ કર્યા
સની લિયોન- અહીં ચેંજિંગ રૂમ ક્યાં છે..
દુકાનદાર-શું મેડમ
તમે પણ અમારાથી શર્મા રહી છો
આખો 16 GB મેમેરી કાર્ડ ભરેલું છે તમારા કલેક્શન થી
છોકરી- યાર બહુ ઠંડ પડી રહી છે
મારા હોંઠ ફાટી ગયા છે..
છોકરી- અરી ગાંડી અત્યારે તો શરૂઆત છે. આગળ-આગળ જો
શું શું ફાટશે!!!!
It's a beautiful day and three men go golfing. The first guy, Moses, steps up to the tee and hits the ball which lands smack in the middle of the lake. Moses goes over to the lake, touches his gold club to the water, the waters part, and he walks up to it and hits it out. The ball lands 10 feet away from the hole. Satisfied, he steps back and lets the next man, Jesus, go. He also goes up to the tee, hits the ball, and watches as it lands on a lily pad in near the center of the lake. Jesus then goes to the lake, walks across the surface of the water, hits the ball out, and it lands 2 feet from the hole. Happy, he walks over to stand with Moses. Next the last person steps up, hits the ball, and watches as it heads right for the lake as well. However, before it hits the surface somehow a frog manages to swallow it, followed by a large bird swooping down and grabbing the frog in it's beak, flying away with it. Terrified, the frog spits out the ball as they pass over the roof of a nearby house, the ball goes into the rain gutter then trails back out into the field, headed straight for the hole. He gets a hole in one! Moses then turns to Jesus and says: "Do you always have to bring your Dad golfing with us?"
