HUMOR 176180

Jokes For Adults

Intelligent Woman Joke
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Scientist Challenge Joke
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no! You go get your own dirt!"

Board Meeting Joke
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

Bedroom Joke
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Husband Wife Joke
An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. The faithful couple was recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place. St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could, of course, eat anything and not worry about their health. The husband especially began partaking of the pastries and desserts. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there. However, the husband began looking quite grim. His wife inquired what the problem was. The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we'd probably have been here 15 years ago!"

Religious Joke
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man and when he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do...it is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that it is in the Bible. He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him!" replied the lady.

Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Shaving Joke
Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."

Funny Dirty Jokes

Most Important Joke
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!" "Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service." "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point." "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says. "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." 'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'

Priest Joke
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: "Repaint! Go, and thin no more."

Wife Joke
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Weekday Joke
Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. Remember seven days WITHOUT GOD makes One WEAK!!

Dad Joke
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Deadly Joke
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle said:, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Smart Kid Joke
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second-grade student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

Historical Wife Joke
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like that would cost him. God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history....

Kid Jokes

Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

Cop Joke
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”

Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.

School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.

Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice. My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”

Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on 
a farm animal show on TV. With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how 
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.

Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to 
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks. Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”

Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time. For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! 
I took two bites and went blind!”

Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet. Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!

Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

Sunday School Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

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Revengeful Woman

An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Chutkule

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

Wife: Honey I'm pregnant. Me: Well.... what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" 

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Husband: Honey, do u smell that? 

Wife: No. 

Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher!

Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question? "can kids of our age have kids?" 

Teacher replied " NO Never!!" 

Boy said to girl : "see i told you not to worry!!!!

God Joke

Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. Remember seven days WITHOUT GOD makes One WEAK!!