Yo Momma Jokes
Yo Momma is so fat if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.
Yo Momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in.
Yo Momma so fat she's on both sides the family.
Yo Momma so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
Yo Momma so fat she's skinny.
Yo Momma so fat that when she walked by the TV set I missed 3 seasons of Laguna Beach
Yo mama so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.
Yo mama so fat when she tossed in her sleep she woke up in another time zone.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on the scale and it said one person at the time.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to swerve around her I ran out of petrol London Bridge was falling down because yo fat mama walked on it.
Yo mummas so fat that when she went to Japan in a green bikini they all started yelling Godzilla Godzilla.
Yo mamma is so fat, when she walked in front of the television, I missed a whole football season.
Yo mama is so fat I already got a nightmare Ya mum so fat she ate Jenny and Craig.
Yo momma is so fat when she took a shower her feet didn't get wet.
Yo mamma is so fat the back of her neck looks like a packet of hot dogs.
Yo momma so fat she tried to be on E.T. but when she went over the moon she caused an eclipse.
Yo moma is so fat, she needs to buy 3 tickets before she can go on an airplane.
Yo mama so fat that when I threw an apple at her it floated around her because she has her own gravitational pull.
Yo mama so fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama is so fat even Kirby can't suck her.
Your mama is so fat she makes more milk per day then a cow.
Your mama so fat when she fell off her bed she made the earthquake.
Yo mamma is so fat when she stood up NASA thought it was an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat when she fell down they had to get a helicopter to swing one of its ladder escapes down so she could get up.
Yo mamma is so fat, she fell off the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat that she ran over 4 quarters and turned it in to a dollar.
Yo mama so fat that if people tried to run around her, they'd get lost.
Your Mamma's so fat that when Obi-one Kenobi saw her he said "That's no moon... THAT'S yo mamma!"
Bad Jokes
Fast Joke
What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 70 mph?
Its butt.
Selfish Joke
He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS.
She: I know.
Bad Joke
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
Plane Joke
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
Offensive Joke
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”
Doctor: “Oh no, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
Rude Joke
A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!”
-
“But why?”
-
“Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!”
-
“Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit yourself down on them and we will talk it out.”
Electrician Joke
My poor skills as an electrician often leave people shocked.
War Joke
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
Teenager Joke
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
Psychologist Joke
A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“
-
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“
-
The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!“
Horse Joke
Do you know the difference between a horse and a cactus?
No.
What?!
Well just try sitting on one, then you’ll know it.
Cannibals Joke
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
“I just can’t stand my mother-in-law,” sighs one.
“That’s quite understandable,” nods the other one, “why don’t you just have the potatoes with the gravy?”
Thanksgiving Joke
What’s the universal key to a lovely Thanksgiving?
The turkey.
Dirty Joke
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day, you’ll spill your guts out, you mark my words!” was the lady’s frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey’s guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man’s covers. “That’ll teach him!” she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
“You were right about the farting, Ida,” he panted, “I’m ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!”
Father Joke
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Friends Joke
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Roast Joke
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults. Roast me!”
Good Jokes
Fridge Joke
One day, fridges will take their revenge. They will burst into your bedroom in the middle of the night, switch the light on, stare at you for a few minutes and then leave.
Kangaroo Joke
A female kangaroo scratches her stomach for a while like mad and finally yells, “How often do I have to repeat myself, no cookies in bed!!!”
Birth Joke
Mummy, where where you when I was born? In the hospital. And daddy? At work. That’s great. So nobody was home when I arrived.
Baby Joke
Little Ernie asks his auntie, “Why do you have such a big tummy, aunt Lisa?” “Because there’s a baby inside.” “Do you like babies?” “Very much!” “Well I still think it isn’t right to eat them.“
Fish Joke
Little Johnny walks into a pet store and asks the shop assistant: “Could you do me a big favor and throw me a fish please?” “Why on Earth would you want me to throw you a fish?!” “Because I want to tell everybody at home that I caught a fish.
Jumping Joke
Three bunnies want to jump a wall. First one jumps and clears the wall with a good 4 inch reserve. The second bunny jumps and makes it over the wall with a 5 inch reserve. The third bunny jumps and slams headfirst into the wall. When he wakes up, he says, “I must have jumped the highest. I definitely saw some stars.”
Duck Joke
A duck walks into a bar. It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?” Bartender: “No.” Duck: “Do you have bread?” - Bartender: “NO!” - Duck: “Do you…” Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!” Duck: “Do you have nails?” Bartender: “NO!” Duck: “Do you have bread?”
Friends Joke
Two friends are talking, one says: “Man, I fell off a thirty-foot long ladder yesterday.” “Oh no, dude, are you alright?!” inquires the other one, shocked. “Yeah, I’m OK, I was only on the second rung then.”
Witty Joke
I bet you 125851265228542 dollars that you didn’t bother to read that number. You just cruised right over it, didn’t you? You didn’t even notice I put a letter in it. Well I didn’t – but you went and looked anyway. My, you are quite predictable!
Butcher Joke
A boy comes into a butchery and stares at the butcher for at least 5 minutes. Finally the butcher asks, “So why do you stare at me for such a long time, boy?” The boy explains: “My mother wanted to know if you have a pig’s tail or pig’s ears.”
Mom Joke
Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
The boy replies: “No point. This is my mom’s money.”
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”
Brothers Joke
“Your brother is so small!” the neighbor says happily to little Paulie.
“Yeah, he’s only my half-brother.”
Farmer Joke
“Have you ever seen a little calf being born?” asks a farmer Little Johnny.
“No, how is it?”
“Well, first come the front legs, then the head, then the shoulders and the body and finally the hind legs.”
“Wow, cool, and how do you put it all together then?”
Intelligent Joke
The magical goldfish agreed to grant three men a wish each.
The first man wished for a room full of gold.
The second man wished for a room full of diamonds.
The third man wished for keys to those rooms.
Plane Joke
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching a fighter plane streak across the sky leaving a big condensation trail behind it.
“Wow, he seems to be in a hurry,” observes one pigeon.
“And what would you do if your butt was on fire?!”
One Liner Jokes
Broom Joke
What did mama broom say to baby broom?
Time to go to sweep, baby.
Milk Joke
What gives us milk and has one horn?
A milk truck.
Snail Joke
When can you be sure a snail is lying to you?
When he says he’s not home.
Talk Joke
Q: Which flower is the most talkative?
A: Tulips, of course, they can’t keep those lips shut!
Baby Joke
Q: Why couldn't the pony sing his baby a lullaby?
A: She was a little hoarse.
Chimney Joke
Q: What did the tall chimney say to the small chimney?
A: "Hey, you’re way too young to smoke."
Monkey Joke
How does a monkey ring the doorbell?
King Kong! King Kong!
Snake Joke
How to measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don’t have feet.
Teacher Joke
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Her pupils got out of control.
Bee Joke
Why did the bee have sticky hair?
Because he was using a honey-comb.
Egg Joke
How to make an egg giggle?
Tell it a yolk.
Bird Joke
What bird is the strongest lifter?
A crane.
Ex Joke
What does your ex and slinky have in common?
It’s nice to watch either fall down the stairs.
Meeting Joke
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
Offensive Joke
“But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
Meaning Joke
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal?
It’s not the end of the world.
Sleep Joke
I’m a pro at sleeping.
I could do it with my eyes closed.
Internet Joke
Apple just posted on their Facebook page that their store got robbed.
They’re looking for iWitnesses.
Word Joke
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.
Interview Joke
And why do you think you’d be academically qualified for this job, Mr Richardson?”
“I possess a degree of intelligence.”
Irish Joke
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish guy?
None at all.
Your Mama Jokes
Your Mama so fat her pinky toe is the size of Africa.
Your Mama's so fat, I used the elastic from her underwear for bungee jumping.
Your Mama so fat when they ran out of mayonnaise they killed her and had a lifetime supply.
Your Mama so fat the only letters of the alphabet she knows is KFC.
Your Mama so fat the only thing stopping her from taking a holiday is the front door.
Your mama so fat her mom's still in therapy from after birth.
Your Mama so fat that when she burped, a black hole formed. Fortunately, she was there to clog it up.
Your Mama so fat she thought the Earth was a gum ball.
Your Mama is so fat every time she tries to sing she sings like this, blah hamburger blah.
Your mama is so fat people think she causes earthquakes.
Your Mama so fat they install speed bumps at all you can eat buffets.
Your Mama so fat she play slip and slide with the free way.
Your Mama so fat when she opens the fridge it says I give up.
Your Mama so fat that the help is not possible.
Your mama's so fat I had to slap myself to make sure I wasn't seeing double.
Your Mama so fat when she tripped it caused hurricane Katrina.
Your Mama so fat it took 40 days and 40 nights for Jesus to get across her.
Your Mama's so fat that when she got out of the shower you would need an ark to get out the front door.
Your Mama is so fat she is the reason to why Krispy Kreme is still around till this day.
Your Mama Is So Fat, when she sat on an iPod video she created the nano.
Your Mama so fat when I said I want pigs in a blanket she got back in bed.
Your Mama is so fat the house lives in her.
Your Mama so fat when she turns around people give her a welcome back party.
Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldn't get in or out.
Yo momma so fat that if a fly wanted to circle around her, it would die halfway there.
Yo mama so fat, her farts cause global warming.
Your mama is so fat the Russians use her as a nuke.
Yo mama so fat she went bungee jumping and the bridge sagged.
Yo momma is so fat she couldn't press a computer key without pressing 2 or 3.
Yo momma so fat she put the lipo in liposuction.
Yo mama's so fat she got it goin' on... and one and on and on.
Yo momma so fat she works in a glass shop sitting on sand.
God made Noah build the ark because he knew your mom was going for a swim.
Yo mamma so fat that when i was on top of her i rolled over twice and i was still on her.
Yo mama so fat, we still haven't found all of her yet.
Yo mama so fat, she wore a black shirt and someone said, Wow, no stars out tonight.
Yo mama so fat, she walked into the Gap and filled it.
Yo mama so fat, she comes at you from all directions.
*******************************
Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”
Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.
School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes.
Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.
Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg.
Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.
My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”
Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on
a farm animal show on TV.
With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.
Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks.
Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”
Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.
For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit.
Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it!
I took two bites and went blind!”
Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.
Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!”
I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!
Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”
Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long?
A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Teacher Joke
Husband Wife Joke
*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*
*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*
*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*
*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*
*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*
*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*
*Husband: Yes ready*
*WIFE: .....TURKEY*
*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*
*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*
Challenging The Elephant
Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*
Funny Innovations
Short Facts
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said *go to hell !"*
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*
Unique Army Vehicle
Amazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear" has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.
Prayer Is A Necessity
The Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*
I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*
Future Technology
BEFORE MARRIAGE
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady : Do you love me?
Man : Of course
Lady : Will you ever cheat me?
Man : Never in my life
Lady : Will you ever hug me?
Man : Every chance I get
Lady : Will you hit me?
Man : Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man : Yes
Lady : Sweet heart
AFTER MARRIAGE
Now Read from bottom to top
Beware
Why Men are happier than Women:-
1. Whole life,
one Surname.
2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.
3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.
4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.
5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.
6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.
7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.
In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.
Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*
*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*
*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*
*Man :- "How do you know?"*
*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*
*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*
*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*
*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*
*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*
Smart Dogs
Best Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)
Life Is Valuable
Brain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!! ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(I love this part..
It's absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
3....4....
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?
Reality Of Life
Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:
*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*
*Then,*
*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*
*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*
*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*
*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*
*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*
*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*
*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*
*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*
*"ATTITUDE"...*
*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*
*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*
Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers
Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."
Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."
Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."
Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...
Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani
Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"
Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*
Married Man Jokes
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...
Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!
Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"
The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!
New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*
Don't be so excited about New Year.....
Only the calendar will change.....
Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!
Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron
Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges
Dogs Playing With Balloons
Dog Doing Maths
The Parrot Who Can Pray
Cock Plays Snooker
Monkeys Take A Piggy Ride
The Fortunate Crow
The Dog Cat Monkey Family
Funny Snake Catcher
The Poor Old Dog
The Smart Monkey
The Talking Dog
Dogs Celebrate Christmas
Hatching Eggs
Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around, We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations. We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...
Traffic lights going for a walk.
BEWARE of accidents.
The Farmer's Cock
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...
Old cock to Young cock :
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.
Young cock: OKKK..
What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off
& when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ...
who cursed,
"Hell"
This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??
Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"
How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands
Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat
Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao
Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi
Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo
Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi
CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho
Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi
Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi
& the Best one
Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..
Women Humor
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*
I asked the girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"
She gave a very logical reply.
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,
They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,
"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"
"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"
"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."
*"What else does a wife require?"*
Leave Applications Jokes
(murdering english language)
Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute
The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.
One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
the bus.
Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
.
.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly.....!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??
Okay........ here is the Answer............
-
-
-
-
-
-
During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!
*Physics never go wrong*....
Don't look at me...!!
I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...
The Indian Joke
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.
He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !
"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.
Men will be always men ...
Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.
Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...
Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra also......
Ways to burn 100 Calories
1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins
*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*
In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!
KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...
Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
