Sexy Jokes
Sexist Joke
I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.
I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.
Women Joke
1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job.
2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh.
3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you.
4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you.
5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
Winter Joke
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
Husband Joke
My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
Court Joke
Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
Stupid Joke
Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
Challenge Joke
‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
Intelligent Joke
A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
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Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
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No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
Fortune Joke
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
Wedding Joke
If it's true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
Pregnancy Joke
Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!
Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.
Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
Divorce Joke
Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
Curse Joke
A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago. The witch asks, “What sort of a curse was it, then?” The woman said, “It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
Funny Phrases
”If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
Anniversary Joke
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
-
Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
Marriage Joke
My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.
Women Joke
(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they may seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are still dangerous predators.
Delivery Joke
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
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She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
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I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
Flirting Joke
I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.
Funny Videos For Kids
PRANKS 09
GAGS 09
BEST COMEDIANS 09
OTHER COMEDIANS 09
JOKES 09
Jok
Crazy Joke
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Cool Joke
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Funny Quotes
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
Jon Stewart
Thanksgiving Joke
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Aunt Joke
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Funny Facts
In 2001, a seven foot bull shark bit off a boy’s arm. His uncle not only saved the boy, but dived in after the shark, wrestled it to shore where the shark was shot, retrieved the boy’s arm and it was sewn back on in the hospital.
Dentist Joke
Why did the Donut visit the dentist?
To get a new filling.
Marriage Joke
Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.
Animal Joke
“Name me five different animals, Johnny.”
“The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”
Penguin Joke
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
Witty Joke
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.
They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: “These darn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“
Fishing Joke
“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”
Cow Joke
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t have gone very far with an empty tank.”
Postal Joke
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
You stick with me and I will take you places!
Shark Joke
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?
It had a nosebleed.
Cop Joke
What happens when a cop gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
Grandma Joke
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
“Please just stay away from my laptop grandma!!!”
Parents Joke
Daughter asks her mother, “Mum, how long have you been married to dad?”
“Ten years.”
“Oh, and how many do you still have left?”
Funny Jokes For Adults
Patient Joke
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.” - The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denny, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.” - A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?” - Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Babies Joke
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Name Joke
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Cat Joke
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Interview Joke
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Husband Wife Joke
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
Wedding Joke
When did you get to know your wife?
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Honeymoon Joke
My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!”
I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
Girlfriend Joke
My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess.
Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
Men Joke
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Chatter Joke
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.
So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.
Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
Dog Joke
Husband leaves the house with the dog.
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Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
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Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
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Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"
Practical Joke
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
Shaving Joke
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.
Math Joke
“I am a master of fast calculations.”
-
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
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“22!”
-
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
-
“Might be, but it was fast!”
Pig Joke
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
Riddle
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
A bed.
News Joke
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
Mood Joke
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
positive”.
Chemistry Joke
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
Elephant Joke
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
Because the red ones were wet.
Why did the elephant swim on his back?
So his green ones wouldn't get wet too.
Marathi Jokes
जज: (नवीन नवऱ्यास) तुम्हाला घटस्फोट का हवा आहे?
नवरा: कारण बायको मला लसूण सोलायला लावते, कांदे कापायला सांगते, भांडी घासायला आणि कपडे धुवायला सांगते.
जज: मग त्यात एवढे अवघड काय आहे? लसूण थोडा गरम करून घ्या म्हणजे सोलायला सोपा होईल, कांदे कापण्यापूर्वी ते काही वेळ फ्रीजमध्ये ठेवा म्हणजे कापताना डोळे जळजळणार नाहीत. भांडी घासण्यापूर्वी १० मिनिटे पाण्याच्या टबमध्ये ठेवा म्हणजे लवकर स्वच्छ होतील आणि कपडे धुण्यापूर्वी अर्धा तास सर्फमध्ये भिजत ठेवा म्हणजे एकही डाग राहाणार नाही.
नवरा: माय लाॅर्ड, आता मला समजले. माझा अर्ज मला परत द्या.
जज: काय समजले?
नवरा: हेच की आपली अवस्था माझ्यापेक्षाही वाईट आहे.
एक मुलगा देवाला विचारतो,
'तिला गुलाबाचं फूल का आवडतं???
ते तर एका दिवसात मरून जातं....!
मग तिला मी का आवडत नाही ???
मी तर तिच्यासाठी रोज मरत
असतो.......!
'देव उत्तर देतात,
.
.
.
.
.
.
'भारी रे....!
एक नंबर ....!
ती समोरच्या दुकानात गेली....
.
तिथं दुकानदाराचा तरुण देखणा मुलगा सोडला तर दुसरं कोणीही
नव्हतं...
.
ती थोडीशी लाजुन म्हणाली, 'बोलायचं आहे'
तो : बोला...
ती : तुम्ही खुप छान दिसता... मला खुप आवडता तुम्ही.
तो शांतपणे म्हणाला, 'ते काहीही असुदे पण मी एकदा विकलेली मॅगी परत घेणार नाही.
खेळ खल्लास्स्स्स्स्स्स्स्स्स् तो पण 2 मिनिटात
एका मुलीने आपल्या होणाऱ्या
नव-याला Whatsapp केला ...
"आपले लग्न नाही होऊ शकत ..माझे दुसरीकडे लग्न ठरले आहे.."
मुलाला मोठा झटकाच बसला...
पण पुढील २ च मिनिटांत त्या मुलीचा दुसरा sms आला...
"sorry sorry sorry चुकून तुम्हाला send झाला"
मुलाला double heart attack आला
Whatsapp हे लहान मुलांच्या डायपर सारखे असते.. काही नसेल तरी 5-10 मिनटानी बघावे लागते..!!
ससा नेहमी धावतो ,पळतो तरतरीत राहतो , त्याचे आयुष्य असते 15 वर्षे...
तेच कासव ना धावपळ करते , ना उत्साही राहते , ते जगते 150 पेक्षा जास्त वर्षे .....
यावरून धडा घ्या
कामधंदे सोडा,आराम करा...अन whatsapp वापरा
Manush: Kay bhau, Aajkal tumhi Kavita nahi livat hay... Kay Jal?
Kavi: Nahi bhau, Jicha sathi livat hot, Tich lagna houn gel.
Manush: Arey bhau, Mag tak tichi aathvan gheun kavita ajun pan chhan banel n.
Kavi: Bhau tu Samjhu nahi rhaylay... Ticha Lagna Majasi j jala hay.
Mulga: I love you.
Mulgi: Nahi mi Dusryavar prem karte.
Mulga khupch dukhi hoto aani achanak
kahi vedani jorat pada lagto…
Mulgi vicharte: Kay Jal re achanak tula?
Mulga: Thamb itach, Tujya Bapala jaun Sangto mi.
Mulgi: Ikde ye kutrya… I Love you Toooo…
Mulga: Chopra uncle, Tumhi चेमिस्ट aahe n?
Chopra Uncle: Ho beta... Pan te चेमिस्ट nahi, केमिस्ट (Chemist) hotay... Ch la "च" nahi, Pan "क" bol.
Mulga: Ok, कोपड़ा Uncle...
Santa Nokri sathi Interview deyala gela...
Boss: Kay kaam karun gheil?
Santa: Sir, Mi khupach Nervous houn rhayloy, Bhiti vatat aahe Interview deyala...
Boss (Bhavuk houn): Arey bhivu nakos, Tu majasi Bilkul Dost samjun ch gosti kar...
Santa: Chyala.. Mi tar Faltu ch bhit hoto.. Chal sang aani... Vaini kasi aahe... Mulbad majet aahe n...
Tu kuthe aahe? Arey jithe aahe tikde ch raha, 5-10 minute satha... . . Karan ki, Baher Makad pakda wale aale aahe... Aata, Mitrata madhi Thanks nahi bola ch... Mi Tuja sathi evad tar karu ch sakta na..
Bayko: Bariche parde lavayla padil.
Navra: Ka?
Bayko: Navin shejari aala aahe, to mala Baghala punha-punha prayatna karat asto.
Navra: Aga, ekda tela chhan ritine baghun gheun de, Mag to Swatach parde laun gheil...
एक माणुस फार हुशारी झाडत होता - "लोखंडाला लोखंड कापतं हिर्याला हिरा कापतो "
तेवढ्यात मागुन एक कुञा येतो आणी त्याला चावतो... !!
Whatsapp Marathi Vinod
केमिस्ट : तुम्हाला किती वेळा सांगितलं,
डोकेदुखीच्या गोळ्या हव्या असतील तर
डॉक्टरची चिट्ठी घेऊन या, प्रत्येकवेळी मॅरेज सर्टिफिकेट काय दाखवता?
आम्ही बँकेवर आणि बँकेच्या कर्मचार्यांवंर विश्वास ठेवून आमचे लाखो रूपये त्यांच्या ताब्यात देतो.
अन् हे लोक ३ रूपयांचा पेन सुद्धा दोरीने बांधून ठेवतात :D
मुलगा: चाहूंगा मै तुझे सांझ सवेरे...
मुलगी: आणि दुपारी?
मुलगा: १ ते ४ आराम....
मी पुण्याचा आहे ना!
स्ञी फक्त एकाच पुरुषाचे ऐकते,
तो म्हणजे
.
.
फोटोग्राफर.
आपल्याला विनंती आहे , कि,
2आँक्टोंबर रोजी गांधी जयंती निमित्तं मी महात्मा गांधी यांचे फोटो जमा करण्याचा संकल्प केलेला आहे.
तरी
आपल्याकडे जेवढ्या 100/- ,500/- 1000/- रुपयाच्या नोटा असतील,तेवढ्या
ताबडतोब माझ्याकडे जमा करुन महात्मा गांधी यांच्या वरील असलेली श्रद्धा
प्रकट करावी.
ऑफिसमध्ये प्रमोशनसाठी मुलाखती सुरू असतात. संताचा नंबर येतो...बॉस: संता आपण सर्वात पहिले तुझी इंग्रजीची टेस्ट घेऊयात..
मी जो शब्द बोलेल, त्याचा विरुध्दार्थी (opposite) शब्द तु सांगायचास..संताः ओके सर.. विचारा प्रश्न...बॉस: Good
संता: Bad.बॉस: Come
संता: Go.बॉस: Ugly
संता: Pichhlli.बॉस: Pichhli?
संता: UGLY.बॉस: Shut Up!
संता: Keep talking.बॉस: Now stop all this
संता: Then carry on all that.बॉस: अरे गप्प बस..., गप्प बस... गप्प बस...
संता: अरे बोलत रहा, बोलत रहा, बोलत रहा...बॉस: अरे, यार ...
संता: अरे शत्रू...
बॉस: Get Out
संता: Come In.
बॉस: My God.
संता: Your devil.
बॉस: shhhhhhh..
संता: hurrrrrrrrrrrrrr
बॉस: माझा बाप... गप्प बस जरा...
संता: तुझ्या मुला.. बोलत रहा...
बॉस: You are rejected
संता: I am selected.
बॉस: देवा तुमचे चरण कुठे आहेत..
संता: वत्स माझा डोके इथे आहे..
बॉस: बाप रे, कोणत्या वेड्याशी गाठ पडली माझी..
संता: आई गं, कोणत्या हुशार व्यक्तीशी गाठ पडली माझी...
बॉस: साल्या, उचलून आपटेन तुला..
संता: भावजी, पालथा करून उचलेल तुम्हाला..
मग संताला बॉसने एक झापड मारली...
संताने बॉसला दोन झापड मारल्या...
बॉसने मग चार झापडा मारल्या...
मग तर संताने बॉसला मारून मारून बेशुध्दच केले..
त्यानंतर संता स्वतःशीच म्हणाला...
साहेब उद्या शुध्दीवर आले की, त्यांना निकाल विचारतो.. तसे तर बॉसच्या
सर्वच प्रश्नांची उत्तरे मी बरोबर दिलेली आहेत असे मला वाटते.. त्यामुळे
प्रमोशन तर नक्की आहे.
*************************
Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”
Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.
School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes.
Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.
Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg.
Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.
My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”
Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on
a farm animal show on TV.
With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.
Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks.
Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”
Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.
For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit.
Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it!
I took two bites and went blind!”
Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.
Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!”
I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!
Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”
Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long?
A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Teacher Joke
Husband Wife Joke
*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*
*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*
*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*
*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*
*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*
*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*
*Husband: Yes ready*
*WIFE: .....TURKEY*
*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*
*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*
Challenging The Elephant
Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*
Funny Innovations
Short Facts
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said *go to hell !"*
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*
Unique Army Vehicle
Amazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear" has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.
Prayer Is A Necessity
The Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*
I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*
Future Technology
BEFORE MARRIAGE
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady : Do you love me?
Man : Of course
Lady : Will you ever cheat me?
Man : Never in my life
Lady : Will you ever hug me?
Man : Every chance I get
Lady : Will you hit me?
Man : Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man : Yes
Lady : Sweet heart
AFTER MARRIAGE
Now Read from bottom to top
Beware
Why Men are happier than Women:-
1. Whole life,
one Surname.
2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.
3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.
4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.
5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.
6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.
7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.
In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.
Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*
*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*
*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*
*Man :- "How do you know?"*
*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*
*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*
*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*
*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*
*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*
Smart Dogs
Best Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)
Life Is Valuable
Brain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!! ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(I love this part..
It's absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
3....4....
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?
Reality Of Life
Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:
*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*
*Then,*
*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*
*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*
*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*
*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*
*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*
*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*
*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*
*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*
*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*
*"ATTITUDE"...*
*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*
*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*
Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers
Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."
Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."
Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."
Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...
Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani
Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"
Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*
Married Man Jokes
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...
Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!
Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"
The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!
New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*
Don't be so excited about New Year.....
Only the calendar will change.....
Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!
Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron
Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges
Dogs Playing With Balloons
Dog Doing Maths
The Parrot Who Can Pray
Cock Plays Snooker
Monkeys Take A Piggy Ride
The Fortunate Crow
The Dog Cat Monkey Family
Funny Snake Catcher
The Poor Old Dog
The Smart Monkey
The Talking Dog
Dogs Celebrate Christmas
Hatching Eggs
Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around, We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations. We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...
Traffic lights going for a walk.
BEWARE of accidents.
The Farmer's Cock
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...
Old cock to Young cock :
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.
Young cock: OKKK..
What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off
& when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ...
who cursed,
"Hell"
This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??
Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"
How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands
Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat
Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao
Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi
Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo
Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi
CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho
Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi
Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi
& the Best one
Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..
Women Humor
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*
I asked the girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"
She gave a very logical reply.
She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,
They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,
"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"
"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"
"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."
*"What else does a wife require?"*
Leave Applications Jokes
(murdering english language)
Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute
The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.
One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
the bus.
Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
.
.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly.....!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??
Okay........ here is the Answer............
-
-
-
-
-
-
During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!
*Physics never go wrong*....
Don't look at me...!!
I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...
The Indian Joke
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.
He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !
"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.
Men will be always men ...
Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.
Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...
Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra also......
Ways to burn 100 Calories
1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins
*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*
In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!
KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...
Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
