Jokes SMS
Dinosaur Joke
Bob: I wish I had enough money to buy a dinosaur.
Donald: What would you do with a dinosaur?
Bob: Who wants a dinosaur? I just want the money!
Chicken Joke
Silly girl: Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck".
Mrs. Poultice: Because he thinks he's a chicken.
Silly girl: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?
Mrs. Poultice: Because we need the eggs.
Bird Joke
Silly boy: I'd like to buy some bird seed.
Clerk: How many birds do you have?
Silly boy: None! I want to grow some!
Doctor Joke
Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her!
Silly Joke
Sue: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Jake: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?
Sue: What good would that do, she can't read!
Sister Joke
Mother: Why are you crying?
Daughter: Because I wanted to get a dinosaur for my baby brother.
Mother: That's no reason to cry.
Daughter: Yes it is! No one would trade me!
Peace Joke
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
Mom Joke
Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"
Marriage Joke
Son: How much does it cost to get married?
Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Funeral Joke
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
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Funny Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible.
Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
Extraterrestrial who?
What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kook!
Kook who?
Don't call me cuckoo!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cowsgo.
Cowsgo who?
No they don't, cows-go moo.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh...
Moo!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The door.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Double.
Double who?
W!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
No-one.
No-one who?
(Remain silent)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
Good job yodeling!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To hunt somebody down.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Leaf!
Leaf who?
Leaf the house, you’re not the owner anymore!
Church Joke
Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."
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Santa Banta Jokes In Hindi
संता और बंता दोनों भाई एक
ही क्लास में पढ़ते थे।
अध्यापिका: तुम दोनों ने अपने पापा का नाम अलग-अलग क्यों लिखा?
संता: मैडम फिर आप कहोगे नक़ल मारी है, इसीलिए।
संता और बंता दोनों भाई एक ही क्लास में पढ़ते थे।
अध्यापिका: तुम दोनों ने अपने पापा का नाम अलग-अलग क्यों लिखा?
संता: मैडम फिर आप कहोगे नक़ल मारी है, इसीलिए।
बैंक मैनेजर:
कैश खत्म हो गया है कल आना
संता:
लेकिन मुझे मेरे पैसे अभी चाहिये
मैनेजर:
देखिये आप गुस्सा मत करिये,
शांति से बात कीजिये..
संता:
ठीक है बुलाओ शांति को,
आज उसी से बात करूँगा !
पल्स पोलिओ टीम घर आयी…
संता (बीबी से): बंदूक और कारतुस कहाँ हैं…??
टीम भागी,
पीछे से संता ने आवाज दी,
रुको
ओये रुको
ये हमारे बच्चो के नाम हैं.!!
संता ( पेट्रॉल पंप पर ) : अरे भाई , जरा एक रुपए का पेट्रॉल डाल दो।
सेल्समैन : भाई , इतना पेट्रॉल डलवाकर जाना कहां है ?
संता : अरे यार, कहीं नहीं जाना हम तो ऐसे ही पैसे उड़ाते रहते हैं..!!
संता – जो मेरी इच्छा पूरी करेगा उसको 1 लाख रूपये दूंगा ।
बंता – बोल क्या इच्छा है तेरी ?
संता – मुझे 2 लाख रुपये चाहिए ।
संता (एयर होस्टेस से): आपकी शक्ल मेरी बीवी से मिलती है..
एयर होस्टेस ने ज़ोरदार थप्पड़ संता के मुँह पर मारा..
संता: कमाल है, आदत भी वही है!!
संता, डॉक्टर से:
जब मैं सोता हूँ तो सपने में बन्दर फुटबॉल खेलते हैं ।
डॉक्टर:
कोई दिक्कत नहीं, ये गोली रात को सोने से पहले खा लेना ।
संता:
कल से खाऊंगा, आज तो फाइनल हैं
अध्यापक:
वाक्य को अंग्रेजी में ट्रांसलेट करो
‘वसंत ने मुझे मुक्का मारा’
संता:
‘वसन्तपंचमी’..!”
संता एक माइक्रोसॉफ्ट कंपनी में interview देने गया,
इंटरव्यूकर्ताः Java के चार version बताइये,
संताः मर जावा, मिट जावा, लुट जावा, और सद्दके जावा ।
इंटरव्यूकर्ताः शबाश, अब सीधा घर जावा ।
खतरनाक जोक
पत्नी को एक थप्पड मारने की सजा १००० रुपये जज साहब ने सुनाई..
तब संता ने जज को पुछा :-
“दुसरा एक थप्पड मार दु..??
जज गुस्से से :- क्यो..??
संता :- क्योंकि छुट्टा नहीं है मेरे पास २००० रुपये का नोट है।
यात्री ट्रेन से उतरा, उसने संता से पूछा –
“यह कौन-सा स्टेशन है ?”
संता हंसा, और जोर से हंसा,
जोर-जोर से हंसा, हस्ते-हस्ते लोट पोट हो गया…
और बड़ी मुश्किल से अपने आपको संभालते हुए बोला –
“पगले, ये रेलवे स्टेशन है…!”
दीवार पर लिखा था “यहां कुत्ते
सुसु करते हैं!”
संता ने वहां सुसु किया और फिर हंस कर बोला:
‘इसे कहते हैं दिमाग..
सुसु मैंने किया और नाम कुत्ते का आएगा.’
संता के घर उसका विदेशी दोस्त आया
और
दरवाजे पर नीबू मिर्ची लटके देख चकराया और पूछा:
ये क्या है?
संता:
ये एंटी वायरस है। मेड इन इंडिया !!
टीचर: अगर अपना कैरेक्टर सुधारना चाहते हो
तो अपनी टीचर को मां समझो….
संता: मैडम इससे तो हमारे पापा का कैरेक्टर खराब होगा….!!
संता :-
आज फिर मुझे आलिया भट्ट को किस करने को दिल कर रहा है ।
बंता:-
क्या ??????
तुम आलिया को पहले किस कर चुके हो?
संता:- नहीं, एक बार पहले भी दिल किया था !
संता: आज इतनी ठंड क्यों है?
बंता: सूरज नही निकला ना
संता: क्यों नही निकला?
बंता:
उसकी मम्मी ने नही निकलने दिया।
बोली कि ठंड में कहाँ जायेगा, पड़ा रह कम्बल में, फालतू की आवारागर्दी करेगा।
Adam And Eve
Joke
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."