humor 6165

Jokes Funny

Jew Joke
Little Jacob is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being a stupid Jew. Their favorite joke is to offer Jacob his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Jacob always takes the nickel. One day, after Jacob takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Jacob, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Jacob grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Bar Joke
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Jewish Joke
A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars. His father replied, "Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."

CEO Joke
There was a new CEO at a company who decided to fire all of the slackers, and when he gets done with that, he finds a dude leaning on his desk. He thinks "What is he doing!?" So he walks up to the guy and says "What are you doing!?" The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid." The CEO says "OK, how much do you get paid in a week?" The guy says "About $300." The CEO gives the guy $1200, and says "Now go away and never come back!" The guy walks away. The CEO says "Will someone please tell me what I just did!?" An employee says "You just tipped the pizza man $1200."

Life Joke
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

School Joke
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

English Joke
A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?" "I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions." "What?" "Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do." "Oh, OK," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

Preacher Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Funny Racist Jokes

Black People Joke
A large cruise ship strikes an iceberg and slowly begins to sink. The captain declares he is going to need to remove some weight from the boat or it will surely sink. He says to be fair, and not discriminate; we will have to call out people in alphabetical order to jump off the ship. Everyone agrees this is the only fair way. The captain then declares "All African Americans jump overboard!" A niglet tells his dad "Oh noes, dat be us". His nigger dad says "No sons, dats not be quiet" The captain comes back and says "unfortunately, we haven't lost enough weight yet. I will have to ask all black people to jump overboard." The niglet tells his dad again "Oh noes, dat be us". His nigger dad says "No sons, dats not be quiet" The captain comes back and says "unfortunately, we still haven't lost enough weight yet. I will have to ask all colored people to jump overboard." The niglet tells his dad again "Oh noes, dat be us". His nigger dad says "I said shut up son, we be niggers today!"

Nigger Joke
A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's got a car. When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'". Little white boy says, "shit, my daddy's got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

Bar Joke
A nigger walks into a bar with a pig. The bar man shouts "Oy, you can't bring that in here!" To which the pig replies, "Sorry man, it won't happen again."

God Joke
A nigger and a little white boy are debating on whether God is black or White. Finally the little white boy says, "let's ask God!" The White boy looks to Heaven and asks, "God, are you black or white?" God replies, "Well boys, I am what I am." The White boy exclaims, "well, that proves it, God is White!" The nigger asks, "how do you know?" The White boy replies, "if God was a nigger he woulda said 'I iz what I iz!'"

Racist Joke
Morpheus and Neo are plugged in to the Matrix and having a chat. Morpheus turns to Neo, "In this world you can be anything you want." There is a short silence. Neo: "Then why are you a nigger?"

Interview Joke
A Liverpool docker went to South Africa for a job. The boss tells him: "Its people like you we want here. Here's a test. There's a revolver, go out and shoot 6 niggers and a rabbit." The docker asks: "Why do I have to shoot the rabbit?" He got the job.

Black Woman Joke
A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."

Tragedy Joke
There is a 3 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor. A white family lives on the top floor. A mexican family lives on the second floor. A nigger family lives on the bottom floor. At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it. Which family lived? The White family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.

Black Man Joke
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her and takes her purse.

Heaven Joke
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man and when he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing . After awhile he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do...it is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him!" replied the lady.

SMS Jokes

Donkey Joke
Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said, 'I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.'

Doctor Joke
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’ The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’ The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’

Mouse Joke
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.

Son Joke
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Two Friends Joke
Me- "What mouse walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "I don't know"
Me- "Mickey Mouse, what duck walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "Donald Duck?"
Me- "No, all ducks idiot"
Friend- "Get lost"

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

“Honey, listen closely... beauty fades, but dumb is forever!"

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

Single cell organisms would beat him in an IQ test.

We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.

Dancing Joke
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied, 'In silence.

What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?
One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change.

Ghetto Joke
I went to Wal-Mart today and asked customer service for ghetto. She was confused so I told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks people with his golf club. She came put later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

Student Joke
Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Student : "Because George still had the axe in his hand!"

Priest Joke
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Needless to say, the priest became uncomfortably at the smell and appearance of his seatmate. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" In his annoyed state, the priest retorted "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be....." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

How To Be Funny

Beer Balancing Prank
This is GREAT and works best in a crowded bar. Bet one of your friends that they can’t balance a glass of beer on the back of each hand (on a table of course). When the beers are balanced simply walk out! Well worth the cost…truth is no guy would waste two good beers.

Flooding Dorm Room Prank
Okay, this is a funny prank. You take a garbage can and fill it about 3/4 way with water. You lean this up against a random dorm room. Knock on the door, run, and hide so you can see it from a distance. When the unsuspecting person opens the door the water will fall into their house flooding it. This is a really funny prank. But don’t get caught. Use Kool-Aid if you have the guts.

Peanut Prank
Use your cell phone to film yourself sucking the chocolate from chocolate peanuts and spit every peanut in a bowl (if you don’t want your friend to really eat these nasty ass peanuts, just give him regular peanuts). Now give the bowl of peanuts to your friends, when they’ve eaten half the bowl, show them the video! They are going to be so Pissed!

Husband Wife Joke
An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place. St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could of course eat anything and not worry about their health. The husband especially began partaking of the pastries and deserts. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there. However, the husband began looking quite grim. His wife inquired what the problem was. The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we'd probably have been here 15 years ago!"

This is a post on how to be funny.

Tell everyone in a creepy voice "You will die in 7 days". Then act perfectly normal again.

In biology class, get everyone to wear aprons and goggles, then when the teacher comes in, act like everything is perfectly normal.

Stand up and act outraged when the teacher gives homework. Get someone to pretend to be your lawyer and bring them to school the next day, and threaten to sue the teacher.

When the bell rings or you hear any kind of siren, scream that the pigs are coming to get you and act all scared.

Wear handcuffs to class, then say "Sorry I'm late, I just had to break out of prison first"

Run to the window, then start crying and say that your imaginary friend committed suicide.

When the teacher gives you work to do, say you can't do it because it's against your religion.

Tell the teacher you don't need to do any homework, because you're going to be sick tomorrow.

If someone knocks on the door during class, get everyone to freak out and yell "We're under attack!" and hide under their desks.

Roast marshmallows on the bunsen burners. If the teacher tells you to stop, whip out a pack of sausages and roast that. If the teacher tells you to stop doing that, then pull out a whole chicken and spit roast it.

Go to the teacher, go close to his/her ear like you're about to whisper, but then yell "CAN I GO MAKE POOPIES IN THE TOILET?!?!"

Ask to go to the bathroom. If the teacher says you can't go, say "Fine, I guess I have no choice then." then make weird faces like you're busy crapping your pants in your desk.

Get everyone in class to stare in one direction all the time, and then have someone say "shift!" at a random time, and then everyone should look the other way.

Put raisins over your teeth and grin when people talk to you.

Walk to the front of class, but fall over and pretend that someone tripped you.

When the teacher finishes a sentence, get the whole class to stand up and applaud them.

When you come back from the bathroom, as soon as you walk into class, stand still for a few seconds and look around you, confused. Then ask "How did I get here?"

Say everything in Russian Reversal... for example: In Soviet Russia, number divides you!

Bark like a dog.

Tell the teacher to prepare for evacuating the school, because you're gonna pull the fire alarm.

Speak 'incorrectly', like say things like "ain't" all the time. When the teacher corrects you, nod like you understand, but carry on speaking weirdly.

Get the whole class to sing "We don't need no education".

When the teacher asks a question, get everyone to put their hands up, and make sure when people get picked that they must say "I forgot what I was gonna say".

Meow inbetween words while answering a question.

If you're late for class, and your teacher is moaning at you, say "There's no need to be moaning, you still get paid".

Laugh like an evil maniac and say "You shall all perish! Perish I say!!!"... then go back to normal very quickly.

Ask if you can go to the bathroom. Get up and walk straight into the wall. Frown at the wall, glare at it, and walk into it again. Then smile like a retard and walk out the door normally.

If the teacher calls on you to answer something, reply in a creepy voice and say "I'll never tell!!!"... then later on ask the teacher why you haven't been allowed to answer any questions yet.

Stare at the teacher and look all serious like. When the teacher notices you staring and stares back, yell "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?!?!"

Stand up and go to the front of the class and introduce yourself loudly and clearly (even if everybody already knows you). Tell everybody that you've been an alcoholic for 3 years now... and when they respond, act confused and say you thought the class was Alcoholics Anonymous.

At a totally random time, go sit on the floor for no apparent reason.

Ask your teacher what he/she really wanted to do in life instead of being a teacher.

Hold your head as if it hurts, then tell the teacher that the voices in your head are arguing with each other.

Say that you saw a roadkill squirrel (or other small critter) in the road on your way to school, and talk about how you're going to cook it for dinner. Talk with a redneck kind of accent.

Get everyone to raise their hands and ask to go to the bathroom at the exact same time. Make sure that they do this EVERY single time the teacher asks the class a question where he/she wants them to raise their hands.

Ask the teacher if you can be excused because you want to skip class.

Pretend to shoot your teacher with a finger gun, then say "Sorry, I had to get rid of the alien scum".

When there's no noise at all in class, raise your hand and insist that it's too loud in class.

Make a map of the class and then use it whenever you need to go get something.

Laugh hysterically at a completely random time.

Put your hand up in class, and when the teacher calls on you, say "Mommy, I'm scared!"

During a test, raise your hand and point at someone on the other end of the room, as far away from you as possible. Insist that that person is using mindreading abilities to cheat off your test.

Change your accent every day. Like one day you're Australian and the next day you're Italian.

March everywhere like you're in the army. Salute the teachers and call them Ma'am and Sir. Don't move unless they say "dismissed".

Bring a vacuum cleaner or broom to class and just start cleaning the class and mumble something about how you can't possibly work in sugh a pig sty.

Yell out loudly in class at a completely random time: "When I grow up, I wanna become a PIMP!"

Like, say "like" a lot... like that.

Tell the teacher that there is a disturbance in The Force.

Get everyone to call the teacher the reverse of their name. For example, if it's Mr Jones, call him Senoj Rm.

Bring a chocolate with you, then run to the bathroom and smear the chocolate all over your hand. Then go back to class and say "there wasn't any toilet paper".

Get one person to say "I agree" after the teacher said something, then have another person raise their hand and say "I second that" and then another person says "I third that" and keep on going until everyone has done it.

Write something on a piece of paper and stick it to the ceiling, then tell everyone there's something written on the ceiling. When they look, say "Made you look!"

If there's a tiny insect in the class, act totally freaked out and run away screaming. Bring a small plastic fake insect if you don't get real bugs in class.

Get several people in class to laugh whenever the teacher isn't looking, then instantly stop and act normal whenever he/she turns around.

Knock your heaviest book off your desk repeatedly. Blame it on your imaginary friend.

As soon as the teacher starts talking, look at them really concerned, as if they just said something that's really forbidden to talk about or something. Look like you're shocked and appalled for the rest of the lesson.

Knit in class.

When the class ends, scream for about 5 seconds and freak out completely,then suddenly calm down and go out like everything's normal.

When the teacher asks a question to the class, ask the teacher "Shouldn't you know this? You're the teacher!"

If it's really hot, try to fry an egg outside on some tin foil when you have PE.

If your teacher is going to put on a video for the class, say "I'm really squeamish, can I go sit outside?"

Have a sword fight with rulers.

Give your teacher a note insisting that you're "the most bestest" in the class and that you should be promoted. Make sure the rest of the note is full of misspelled words and horrible grammar.

Ask to go to the bathroom, then get up and run into the wall and pretend like you fainted. Stay there on the floor until someone comes to check on you. Then just get up and go to the bathroom like nothing had happened.

Ask the teacher if he/she finds sick pleasure in tormenting innocent children.

If there's an empty seat next to you, talk to the empty space as if it's your imaginary friend, and have a long conversation with him/her.

Pretend that you have amnesia, like you forget things 5 seconds after someone says it. So keep asking the teacher to repeat herself or ask things like "How did I get here?" every 10 seconds.

Move your tongue around in your mouth a lot (so that it's obvious you're moving it), and when the teacher asks what you're doing, say "I'm fighting cavities!"

Ask if you can take over as the teacher.

In the middle of a test, scream "I can't do it!" and walk out of class. 5 minutes later, walk back in with someone pretending to be your lawyer.

Walk around and look confused. Ask the teacher where you are, and then go "Oh, school?! I thought I was going to McDonalds!"

Act terrified, and cry out "You didn't have to be so mean!"

Write "Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear" on the bathroom windows.

When the teacher asks a question, raise your hand and answer "Two!" or "Three!" or anything completely random.

Pick some weird uncommon word, like "Unicorn" or "Marsupial" and get the whole class in on it... then see who can make the teacher say that word first, without actually saying that word themselves or making any really obvious suggestions.

Introduce everyone to your imaginary friend called Chuck. Then whisper to Chuck that you hate this class.

Write a note in class that says "Excuse me Ma'am/Sir, but why are you reading my note?" and make sure the teacher sees the note and takes it.

Leave notes on the teacher's desk saying weird things like "Don't forget Tuesday" or "Have you checked the children for lice" or "Did you water the orang-utang yet?" or anything else that sounds weird.

When someone talks over the PA, shout "I'm hearing those voices again!!!"

Bring some cake to class, and just start eating it randomly in the middle of class. When the teacher tells you to stop, stop eating and put it away. 2 minutes later, take it out again and just carry on eating.

Make a petition against petitions and pass it around.

Get everyone to stare at the teacher funny whenever they walk past.

If the teacher ever pats you on the back, pretend that they injured your back and start crying in agony.

At a completely random time, cry out "Everyone's out to get me!"

If the teacher asks "Can I help you?" start crying and say "Why won't you people just leave me alone?!?!"

If you're having a test and the teacher is walking around, cover your test and glare at the teacher in a suspicious manner. Later on, raise your hand and accuse the teacher of cheating off of you.

Get up to go do something, like sharpen a pencil or whatever, then look all confused and say "Help, I'm lost!"

Answer every question with the same thing, something random like "Abraham Lincoln".

Stumble into class, then speak with a slur, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

If the teacher asks you where your homework is, say you thought they were joking when they assigned the homework.

When someone speaks over the intercom, hide under your desk and say "NO! Not the voices again!".

Draw a cartoon of the teacher, making him/her look stupid. Sign the cartoon with a bully's name and leave it on the teacher's desk.

Pretend you just slapped a fly, and then say "Mmmm, snack time!"

Wear a fake police badge and bring handcuffs to class, then arrest your teacher and haul them off to the detention room.

When the teacher's facing the board, have everyone quietly move their desks a tiny bit forward, and if the teacher turns around stop immediately. Rinse and repeat and see how close you can get to the front of the class.

When your teacher has finished explaining a really long chapter or something, put up your hand, and say "I'm sorry, can you repeat everything you just said? I wasn't paying attention"

Dress up like Dracula or a superhero wearing a cape, then play with your cape all day.

In a test, tell the teacher there are "voices" in your head making you cheat.

Get the class phone's number, then use your cellphone during class to call the phone every 5 minutes and then hang up.

Hide in the cupboard and refuse to come out. Then come out eventually. Then don't go to school the next day, but have everyone else in your class tell the teacher that you're hiding in the cupboard again (make sure it's locked and really hard to force open). See how long it takes before the teacher realizes you're not there...

Fat Jokes

Restaurant Joke
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.

Diet Joke
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

Girl Joke
Two fat girls were walking, when the bus came. One says to another: “ Is it my turn to ride on a bus today?

Girlfriend Joke
My girlfriend's so fat when she fell over in the sand she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up. She was eventually woken by a lifeguard who asked her to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.

Salesgirl Joke
After queueing up for almost half an hour in the pharmacy last week, I finally got to the counter. The woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait." I said, "You're not so skinny yourself, actually."

Weighing Scale Joke
A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach. "That's not going to help," says his wife. "Yes,it will," replies the man. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

Fat Woman Joke
A woman who was rather on the large side turned up at the theatre just before the performance was due to start. She handed the usher two tickets. The usher asked, "Where's the other party?" The woman blushed. "Well, you see one seat's a bit small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they're both really for me." "That's fine with me, Ma'am," the usher replied, scratching his head. "There's just one problem. Your seats are numbers 47 and 65."

Wife Joke
I was lying in bed with my wife last night. She looked at me seductively and said, "I'm wide awake, babe." I said, "You're wide when you're asleep too."

Husband Wife Joke
My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday. I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

Husband Joke
I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said to me earlier. I replied, "And I love you tons." "What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.

Husband And Wife Joke
My obese wife died last night. In her memory I'm going to eat a chocolate cake. It's what she would have wanted.

Fat Joke
My wife told me to grow up. I told her I would when she stopped growing sideways.

Religious Joke
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"