Rude Jokes
Abortion Joke
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” exclaims the President.
“It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?”
“Just go ahead and pay it.”
Politician Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
Policeman Joke
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Medical Joke
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.
'What did he say?' asks the nurse.
'OOPS!'
Husband Wife Joke
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'
'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'
Driving License Joke
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.
On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'
School Joke
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."
Wife Joke
Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.
Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate. Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.
Robber Joke
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
Teacher Joke
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
Senior Citizen Joke
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Student Joke
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”
Dad Joke
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Dog Joke
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.” “Of course it is.” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
Irish Jokes
Husband Wife Joke
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Accident Joke
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
Doctor Joke
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Train Joke
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.
Parking Joke
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
Grandfather Joke
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don’t feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”
Bar Joke
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
Hostile Joke
Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad’s a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie’s eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
Travelling Joke
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
Wife Joke
Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.
Dog Joke
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
Stupid Joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
Doughnuts Joke
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
Silly Joke
An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and says, “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes – what would you like?”
The Irishman scratches his head, then answers, “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.”
“Granted, master” replies the Genie and produces the bottle.
The man is delighted and gets drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks. Finally he remembers that he has two other wishes. He rubs the lamp again and the Genie appears.
“Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?”
“You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?” he asks the Genie. “Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them…”
Obituary Joke
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
Barber Joke
O’Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his customer about the price of his services. “I tell you O’Rourke, you Dublin barbers have a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in New York just last month, and you charge me double what they charge there.”
“That may be true, Sir,” said the barber, “but think of the airfare.”
Drinking Joke
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
School Joke
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man.
“I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.
“I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again…”
Team Joke
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
Workers Joke
Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”
Emergency Joke
Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!" Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."
Husband And Wife Joke
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband’s death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Kathleen,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh, don’t talk.”
But he was insistent. “Kathleen,” he said in his tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kathleen. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. “Hush now Patrick, don’t torment yourself. I know all about it,” she said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?”
Car Joke
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
Post Office Joke
An Irishman backpacker went into an Australian post office to see if there were any letters for him. “I’ll see, sir,” said the clerk. “What’s your name?”
“You’re having me on now because I’m Irish,” said the Irishman.
“Won’t you see the name on the envelope?”
Cop Joke
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your name and address?”
“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. “I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
Religious Joke
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it’s time for you to get me a Protestant minister.”
The son is astounded. “But, Dad!” he protests, “You’ve been a good Catholic all you life! You’re delirious. It’s a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.”
The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It’s me last request. Get a minister for me!”
“But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You’ve been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don’t want a minister at a time like this!”
The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you’ll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.” The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O’Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I’m afraid you’re too late, Father,” he says. “He’s a Protestant now.”
Father O’Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man’s room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary’s together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?”
“Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*.”
Brother Joke
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.
“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After all, he’s been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he’ll recognise you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all!”
Wife Joke
Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
Sporty Joke
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me…”
A minute later, Seamus arrives at the cliff. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejasus, that parrotshootin’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the same result as the other two men. Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Acchh, first there was Gerry wit’ his budgie jumping, then Seamus parrotshootin’ and now this hen gliding…”