HUMOR 8185

Jokes For Kids

Car Jokes
My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

Chicken Joke
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Dentist Joke
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door. “It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”

Phone Joke
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

Superman Joke
A concerned police officer approaches a boy who is crying in front of a newsstand. “What’s wrong?” the cop asks. “Superman isn’t out yet!” says the boy. “I’ll handle it,” the cop assures him. “Hey, Superman!” he shouts. “Come on out! We won’t hurt you!”

Class Joke
The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?” One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

Soldier Joke
Sam’s eighth birthday, my brother took him to a football game. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently. “Why the interest in the band?” his father asked. “I’m checking to see if Ben and Matt from our synagogue are in it. They’re Marines.” “But they’re in Afghanistan.” “If I were in a marching band, I’d say I was in Afghanistan too.”

Casino Joke
As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off. My seven-year-old grandson was awed. “Wow!” yelled Casey. “This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people.”

School Joke
My second graders were assigned the task of writing thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote, "Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!"

Baby Joke
At a baby shower, everyone was asked to complete nursery rhymes. My 11-year-old daughter Taylor contributed this: "Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no carbs."

Grandson Joke
A few weeks? after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. "You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we’ll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven." With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have that long!"



Joke Of The Day

Breakup Joke
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonald's. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

Doctor Joke
Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: I understand.
Patient: Understand what?

Man Joke
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Suicide Joke
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Smelling Joke
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.

House Joke
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Hospital Joke
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

Magician Joke
A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?" Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!" Magician, winking, "But not for looooong.....!"

Dad Joke
Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!
How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!

Family Joke
That moment when you notice that one fork isn’t really very clean when you’re laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

Maternity Joke
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Mom Joke
Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, “Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?” “Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready.“

Patient Joke
Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!” Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”

Blind Joke
When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could either be a really terrible news or a really great news.

Evil Joke
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I’m laughing, I've already done it.



Santa Banta Jokes

Password Joke
Once Santa Singh entered a cybercafe to check his mail. It was crowded so he had to wait..As he waited he saw a man checking his mail. He stood behind him and watched. The man typed his password and was waiting when Santa Singh cried out “Yes yes I know your password. I can read your mails now. "Surprised the man asked "Oh yeah, tell me what is it”. Santa Singh replied” Five stars." The other guy who was actually Mr. Sardar replied,"itz 56473 idiot".

Grandfather Joke
Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still keeping correct time” Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years when he was taken out, he was still alive.” Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?” Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”

Q & A Jokes
Bank manager asks Santa in an interview: "What is cyclone"
Santa: "It is the loan given to purchase a cycle"
Interviewer: What is a skeleton?
Santa: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!!
Santa: Mera beta motorcycle se gir gaya
Doctor: I can't understand Hindi. Can you tell in English
Santa: My londa gironda from Hero Honda !!!

Ants Joke
Salesman: Sir, do you want this powder?
Santa: For what?
Salesman: For ants
Santa: No. If I give powder today, they will ask lipstick tomorrow!!

Classroom Joke
How do you identify a Santa in a classroom ?
It is simple.. check who's erasing his notes when the teacher is cleaning the board. !!!!

English Joke
Santa was writing past tense of "I make a mistake" Guess what he wrote ?
"I was made by a mistake"

Mosquitoes Joke
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night.
He got irritated.
He drank the poison and said: "Ab kaato saalo... Sab maroge"

Wife Joke
Banta: How the word 'Wife' was invented?
Santa: They took the first two and last two letters of 'Wildlife'!

Apple Joke
Santa - How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Banta - I can eat 6 apples.
Santa - Wrong. you can eat only 1 apple on empty stomach bcoz when you eat the 2nd apple that's not an empty stomach!
Banta: Wow superb joke. I'll tell my friend..
Bant to Rahul - How many apples you can eat on an empty stomach?
Rahul - I can eat 10.
Banta - Pagal.. 6 bolti to mast joke sunati!!

Computer Joke
Santa calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.
Santa- When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. What's the problem?
Help Desk - Dear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he can't read your password.
Santa - Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.
Help Desk - !!!!!

Santa vs Banta.
Question to both in a competition.
What is half of 8?
Santa: 4
Banta: Depend karta hai .... agar horizontally half karo to ''0'' or vertically karo to ''3'' Santa still unconcious...!!!

Movie Joke
Santa: Hey dad, what plans for weekend ?
Santa Dad: Income Tax Returns.
Santa: Hey first part kab release hua tha?
Santa Dad: Jaa meri ma, tu shooting pe ja!!!

Running Joke
100 metre ki race ho rahi thi...
Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'... Everybody started running except Santa.
Referee - Y r u not running...?
Santa - My number is 4.

Bank Joke
SBI Bank: Humara bank aapko bina interest ke loan de raha hai....
Santa: Agar dene mein interest hi nahi hai to kyu de rahe ho? Nahi chahiye....

Mirror Joke
Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...
French : I think I dont smoke (died).
American : I think I love my wife (died).
Santa: I think.. (died)

Currency Joke
Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down.
Santa - What should we do now?
Banta- We'll take 50:50.
Santa- What about the remaining 900?

Movie Joke
Santa: Let's go for movie.
Banta: Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment today..
Santa: Just cancel it,Tell him you're sick.

Athlete Joke
Santa reading newspaper.. News: "Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump"
Santa comments: Idiot !!
Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!




Hilarious Jokes

Gardener Joke
A gardener picks up horse droppings off the road. This interests a passerby: “What do you do with the droppings?” Gardener: “I sprinkle it on my strawberries.” Passerby: “Funny, we usually use sugar…”

Dog Joke
A farmer needs to know how many sheep he has in his field. He calls his German Shepherd dog to count them for him. The dog runs off, counts the sheep and returns to the farmer. "How many?" asks the farmer. "40," replies the dog. The farmer is startled and says, "What do you mean, 40 - I only bought 37!" The dog shrugs, "I rounded them up."

Result Joke
Child: “Mom, I have a good and a bad news.” Mother: “OK, start with the good one.” Child: “I scored an A in the math test.” Mother: “That’s awesome Lisa! And what’s the bad news?” Child: “That this was only a joke.”

Ladder Joke
Lilly bursts into the house from the garden and tells her mom out of breath: “Mom, mom, I accidentally knocked over the big ladder that was leaning against the house!” Mother says, “Well go get daddy, he’ll help you put it back.” Lilly hops on the spot, “But I can’t, he’s still hanging onto the eaves trough!”

School Joke
A school proudly installs a long row of coat pegs on the wall, with a sign on the last five: ONLY FOR TEACHERS. The next day somebody adds: BUT CAN ALSO BE USED FOR COATS.

Waiter Joke
Miles sits down in a mountain restaurant’s garden and orders a Coke. But when the waiter comes, he brings him 3 Cokes. “But I’ve just ordered one?” says Miles to the waiter. “I’m very sorry, we get that problem all the time, sir. It’s the darned echo here.”

Teacher Joke
Why do teachers hate playing hide and seek?
Because nobody is ever looking for them.

Restaurant Joke
“Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!” “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

Flying Joke
What is red and flies through the air?
A tomato in a helicopter.

Bicycle Joke
Why is it that bicycles fall over so often?
They are two-tired.

Dinosaur Joke
Q: What is worse than having a roaring T-Rex following you?
A: Having two roaring T-Rexes following you.

Policeman Joke
Why did Harry the dumb policeman always carry a pair of scissors?
To be able to cut off a suspect’s escape route.

Children Joke
A little boy stands in front of a house and cries. A guy sees him and asks, “Why all the crying, little guy?” “I can’t reach the doorbell.” The man rings the bell for him and smiles at the boy. The boy smiles back at him and says, “Great, and now we just have to run away very quickly!”

Kid Joke
Freddie says to his dad: “When I’m a grown-up, I’m going to marry Grandma!” Father smiles, “Come on, you can’t marry my mom.” “And why not? You married mine! “




Hindi Jokes

पूरी जवानी निकली जा रही है, इसी इंतजार में…मिलेंगे अगर स्कूल के टीचर तो पूछुँगा जरूर… ये साईन थीटा, कोस थीटा और टेन थीटा का उपयोग कब करना है…

टीचर : एक टोकरी में 10 आम है , उसमें से २ आम सड़ गए , बताओ कितने आम बचे ?
संजू : सर , 10 आम
टीचर : वो कैसे ?
संजू : सड़ने के बाद भी आम तो आम ही रहेगा ना , केले तो बन नहीं जायेंगे
आज संजू एक वकील है

टीचर: तुम पढ़ने में ध्यान क्यों नहीं देते हो?
स्टूडेंट : क्योंकि पढाई सिर्फ दो वजहों से की जाती है…..
पहला कारण :डर से
दूसरा कारण : शौख़ से
और,बिना वजह के शौख हम रखते नहीं और डरते तो किसी के बाप से नहीं।

टीचर:- “क्लास में लड़ाई क्यों नही करनी चाहिए..?”
संजू:-“क्योंकि पता नही एग्जाम में कब किसके पीछे बैठना पड़ जाये..!”

स्कूल मे एक दिन टीचर संजू से :- तुम बड़े होकर क्या बनोगे?
संजू :- मेम मै बड़ा होकर सी. ए (CA) बनूँगा, सभी महानगरों मे मेरा बिजनेस चलेगा, हमेशा हवाई यात्रा करूँगा, हमेशा 5 स्टार होटल मे ठहरूँगा, हमेशा 10 नौकर मेरे आसपास रहेंगे, मेरे पास सबसे महंगी कार होगी, मेरे पास सबसे महंगे…
टीचर :- बस संजू बस!! बच्चों आप सब को इतना लम्बा जवाब देने की आवश्यकता नही है, सिर्फ एक लाइन मे जवाब देना… … अच्छा पिंकी तुम बताओ तुम बड़ी होकर क्या बनोगी ?
पिंकी :- संजू की पत्नी..

टीचर : मैं जो पूछूँ उसका जवाब फटाफट देना
संजू : जी सर ,
टीचर : भारत की राजधानी बताओ ?
संजू : फटाफट
टीचर अभी तक संजू को पीट रहा है

टीचर –1 अक्टूबर, 2 अक्टूबर ओर 15 अक्टूबर को क्या हुआ था जिसे हर साल याद करके उत्सव के रूप में मनाया जाता हे
विद्यार्थी –सर 1अक्टूबर को गांधी जी की माँ को भर्ती किया गया था ……. 2अक्टूबर को गांधी जी का जन्म हुआ था जिससे हम 2 अक्टूबर को ग़ांधी जयंती मानते हे
टीचर …ओर 15 अक्टूबर क्या हुआ था ???????????????
विद्यार्थी-15 अक्टूबर को गांधी जी की पंजीरी आई थी ।।।
…..टीचर आज तक कोमा में हे …….

टीचर : भारत से विदेश जाने वाली पहली महिला कौन थी?
चंटू : सीता, श्रीलंका गई थी.
टीचर अभी भी बेहोश है.

अध्यापक -छात्र से -बताओ तुम इतिहास पुरूष में सब से ज्यादा किससे नफरत करते हो ?
बच्चा : राजा राम मोहन राय से
अध्यापक – क्यू ??
बच्चा – उसी नें बाल विवाह बँद करवाया था वरना आज हम भी बीवी बच्चे वाले होते !

अध्यापक: बच्चों को महाभारत पढाते हुए………..”कंस ने सुना कि देवकी का आठवां पुत्र उसे मार देगा तो उसने देवकी और वसुदेव को जेल में डाल दिया”
पहला बच्चा हुआ, कंस ने मार दिया.
दूसरा…….. हुआ, कंस ने मार दिया,
तीसरा भी, चौथा भी……….
आठवां एक शिष्य: गुरु जी एक मिन्ट..
गुरु: क्या बात है?
शिष्य : अगर कंस को पता था कि देवकी और वसुदेव का आठवां बच्चा उसे मार देगा तो उसने दोनों को एक ही कोठरी में बंद क्यों किया?
अध्यापक बेहोश!

टीचर बच्चों से : कोई ऐसा वाक्य सुनाओ जिसमे हिंदी , उर्दू , पंजाबी और अंग्रेजी का प्रयोग हो
संजू : इश्क़ दी गली विच no Entry
टीचर बेहोश। …..

टीचर संजू से : तुम्हारे पापा क्या करते हैं ?
संजू : जी , वो रोज़ गालियां कहते हैं।
टीचर : क्या मतलब ?
संजू : सर , वो customer care executive हैं. .

अध्यापक : अगर तुम्हारा best friend और Girlfriend दोनों डूब रहे हो तो तुम किसे बचाओगे ?
स्टूडेंट : डूब जाने दो सालों को ……….आखिर वो दोनों एक साथ कर क्या रहे थे ?

अध्यापक ने गधे के सामने एक बोतल दारु राखी और एक बाल्टी पानी की …. गधा सारा पानी पी गया। अध्यापक ने बच्चों से पूछा तो तुमने क्या सीखा ?
 बच्चे : जो दारु नहीं पीता वो गधा है


Indian passport colors were decided based on following:
Orange for uneducated.
Blue for educated.


******************


Grandson Joke
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

Musical Joke
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”


Fishing Joke
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.


School Joke
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”


Daughter Joke
Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.


Egg Joke
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

Bun Joke
Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice. My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”


Babysitting Joke
My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on 
a farm animal show on TV. With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how 
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.

Chopsticks Joke
We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to 
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks. Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”

Train Joke
Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time. For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! 
I took two bites and went blind!”

Granddaughter Joke
A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet. Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!

Pregnancy Joke
When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Skeleton Jokes
Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!
Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn’t have the stomach for it.
The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn’t have any body to love.
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones
That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.
The skeleton couldn’t keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

Teacher Joke

Husband Wife Joke

*WIFE: Honey let's play a game*

*HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about?*

*WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month*

*HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?*

*WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!*

*HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)*
*Wife: are you ready.*

*Husband: Yes ready*

*WIFE: .....TURKEY*

*Its been 4 HOURS NOW...*
*(The husband is still* *standing at the spot* *wondering if she* *meant the Country or the bird*

*Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!*

Challenging The Elephant

Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... *If you are moving to your mother* and *I'm moving to my mother* ... *They should move to their mother.*
*Clothes unpacked.*

Funny Innovations

Short Facts

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby :  "My boss said *go to hell !"*
   

Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.


No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood


Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!


Whisky is a brilliant invention.

One double and you start feeling single again.      


It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most and when a man does that.
*The slide show begins.*


Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,
but *my wife is the queen of them.*


Q - You know why women love shoes?

Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , *the shoes always fit...*


Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - *Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them...*
 

Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?

Ans - There are *No Shopping Centers...*

       
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

       
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, *just Enjoy that Day...*
     

The woman who invented the phrase ...
*"All men are the same"*
was a Chinese woman *who lost her husband in a crowd.*
     

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and *make wonders happen.*
Some have girlfriends and *see wonders happen.*
Rest get married and *wonder what happened...?*

       
Wives are magicians........
They can *change anything* into *an argument.*

       
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
*WHY?*
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
*Women don't have a wife!*

Unique Army Vehicle

Amazing Stuff
After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called "Fear"   has been launched in iphone 8+....
You just say..... 'Wife',
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hides all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.

Prayer Is A Necessity

The Best Husband
*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer..*

I asked her - "Why do you prefer a *lawyer*?"

She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out, they say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word.. they don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!" They go to a *BAR* where liquor is not served", More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least in front of the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not..... *"What else does a wife require?"*

Future Technology

BEFORE MARRIAGE
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady : Do you love me?
Man : Of course
Lady : Will you ever cheat me?
Man : Never in my life
Lady : Will you ever hug me?
Man : Every chance I get
Lady : Will you hit me?
Man : Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man : Yes
Lady : Sweet heart

AFTER MARRIAGE
Now Read from bottom to top

Beware

Why Men are happier than Women:-

1. Whole life,
one Surname.

2. Maximum time on phone -
50 seconds.

3. Five days trip...
One Jeans is enough.

4. Even when not invited...
Friendship remains intact.

5. Whole life...
same hairstyle.

6. Any type of shopping...
25 minutes sufficient.

7. No comparison with other males.
Shirt worn today can be worn for tomorrow's party.

In short...
Men are like Potatoes.
They adjust with any type of Vegetables.


Corporate Joke
*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...*

*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."*

*Man below replied :-*
*"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."*

*Lady :- "You must be an engineer."*

*Man :- "How do you know?"*

*Lady :- "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."*

*Engineer :- "You must be in Top Management."*

*Lady :- "Ya. How do you know?"*

*Engineer :- "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"*

*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*

Smart Dogs

Best Attitude
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking")
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet.
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude")
A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
(Always be positive even in difficult situations.)

Life Is Valuable

Brain Drain Facts
Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing
ALL MUST TRY!!!!!!!          ALZHEIMERS'  EYE TEST

(I love this part..
 It's absolutely amazing!)

Count every  "  F  " in the following text:

FINISHED  FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED  WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE  BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

3....4....

WRONG,  THERE ARE  6  --  no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the  6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is  further down.
*
*
*
*
*
The brain cannot  process "OF".

Incredible  or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts  all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three  is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your  friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isn't it?


Reality Of Life

Very interesting & meaningful message 2 share:

*If:*
*A = 1 ; B = 2 ; C = 3 ; D = 4 ;*
*E = 5 ; F = 6 ; G = 7 ; H = 8 ;*
*I = 9 ; J = 10 ; K = 11 ; L = 12 ;*
*M = 13 ; N = 14 ; O = 15 ; P = 16 ;*
*Q = 17 ; R = 18 ; S = 19 ; T = 20 ;*
*U = 21 ; V = 22 ; W = 23 ; X =24 ;*
*Y = 25 ; Z = 26.*

*Then,*

*H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K*
=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
*= 98%*

*K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E*
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
*=96%*

*L+O+V+E*
= 12+15+22+5
*= 54%*

*L+U+C+K ;*
=12+21+3+11
*= 47%*

*None of them makes 100%.*
*Then what makes 100%?*

*Is it Money?*
.
.
.
*NO!*

*M+O+N+E+Y*
= 13+15+14+5+25
*=72%*

*Leadership?*
.
.
.
*NO!*

*L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P*
=12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16
*=97%*

*Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our*

     *"ATTITUDE"...*

*A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;*
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
*= 100%*

*It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life* *and Work that makes*
*OUR Life 100% Successful.*


Indian Funny Quotes
1. Who is the father of chicken?
Chicken ka bab.
2. Who is the mother of chicken?
Chicken Kima.
3. How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
Kalmi chicken
4. What happens when a chicken takes bath?
Chicken showerma.
5. Chicken in trouble?
Chicken soup.
6. Chicken getting injection?
Chicken teeka.
7. Chicken doing flattery?
Butter chicken.
8. Chicken on a winter night?
Chilly chicken.
9. Chicken @ retirement?
Chicken 65.😂
Dedicated to all the chicken lovers


Very Emotional Indian Joke
Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."

Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?

Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."

Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."

Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.

Son: Ok, but I will not accept him my dad...

Phone: Morning Son, this is Mukesh Ambani

Son: Ohhh Teri !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much dad. You are the best dad in the whole world !"

Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ;
Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ;
The Whole thing is -
*Sabse Bada Rupaiya !*


Married Man Jokes
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a knife at me ... He asked me "your money or your life!"

I told him I am Married... so I have no money and no life...

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...


Husband And Wife Jokes
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.

For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.

When he managed to recover his breath... the instant millionaire shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!

And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!



Husband Wife Jokes
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living after marriage?"

The Bartender was almost crushed to death !!!



New Year Jokes
*A small reminder !!*

Don't be so excited about New Year.....

Only the calendar will change.....

Wife, Boss,salary,Job and Targets will remain the same.!!!!


Indian Judiciary Jokes
How to convert an Electron into Neutron

Ans: Pass it through Indian Judiciary, it will become free of all charges










Dogs Playing With Balloons


Dog Doing Maths 


The Parrot Who Can Pray


Cock Plays Snooker


Monkeys Take A Piggy Ride


The Fortunate Crow


The Dog Cat Monkey Family


Funny Snake Catcher


The Poor Old Dog


The Smart Monkey


The Talking Dog


Dogs Celebrate Christmas


Hatching Eggs









Who says we don't exercise?
We 'Jump' to conclusions, We 'Throw' our weight around,  We 'Twist' the truth, We 'Stretch' the lies, We 'Bend' the rules, We 'Push' our luck, We 'Lift' our egos, We 'Run' from tough situations.  We are absolutely fit, But still, we're fat because we eat our words so often...

Traffic lights going for a walk. 
BEWARE of accidents.







The Farmer's Cock
A farmer  owns 25 young hens and one old cock ...
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...

Old cock to Young cock :

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.

Young cock: OKKK..
What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off
 & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases  him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly..."BANG"!!!

Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot  dead by the farmer ...
who cursed,

"Hell"

This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??

Moral: beware of senior's experience in corporate politics !!!!!






Husband Wife Marriage Humor

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"




How Indian Wives Fight With Their Husbands

Pilot's wife:
Zyada udo mat

Teacher's wife:
Mujhe mat sikhaao

Dhobi's wife:
Dho dungi

Actor's wife:
Naatak mat karo

Dentist's wife:
Daat tod dungi

CA's wife:
Hisaab se raho

Engineer's wife:
Sab parts dhile kar dungi

Architect's wife:
Sidhe raho nahi to face ki design change kar dungi

& the Best one

Marketing person's wife:
Zyada bologe to OLX pe bech dungi..


Women Humor
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral : Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!



*A girl showed interest in marrying only a lawyer.*

I asked the  girl "Why do you prefer a *lawyer* to marry?"

She gave a very logical reply.

She said, "They *bow their head* while entering the room and again while going out,

They say *your honor* or *my lord* before and after every word,

"They don't have any male ego; because, they *wear a gown*!"

"They go to a *BAR where liquor* is not served"

"More importantly, they *never question the judgment* at least before the person who gives it,
whether they like it or not."


*"What else does a wife require?"*


Something Funny

Leave Applications Jokes
(murdering english language)

Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute

Something Funny








The Conductor Joke
There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers.

One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
 the bus.

Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.

Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
.
.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.

This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.

The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.

Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time he died instantly.....!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??

Okay........ here is the Answer............

-
-
-
-
-
-

During the first time The Conductor was a *Bad Conductor,* therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But, during the second time, he was a *Good Conductor*, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!

 *Physics never go wrong*....

Don't look  at me...!!

I am also looking for the Person who sent me this...


The Indian Joke
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.

"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed”.

He then turned to George, the Austral ian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Patel, the Guy from India , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !

"Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.



 Men will be always men ...

Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.

Sales girl - touch my waist n try to calculate...

Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra  also......


Ways to burn 100 Calories

1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/ Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins

*NOTE* : People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises,
*Arguing with your Wife* for 5 mins is *Equally Effective!*


In a Nursery School Canteen...

There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :

"Do not take more than one, God is watching"

On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.

"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...

NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!


KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…

Moral :- Don’t be over smart...


Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?

Mummy : Because he speak only truth...

Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...


Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!