One Liner Jokes
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?A: Your dyslexic.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?A: Flood lights!
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What was the Cat in the Hat looking for in the toilet?A: For thing one and thing two.
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favourite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it!
What was King Arthur's favourite game?Knights and crosses!
What was Camelot?A place where people parked their camels!
What do history teachers make when they want to get together?Dates!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Q: Whats better than roses on a naked blonde?
A: Her Tulips ( two lips ) on your organ!
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator.
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
4
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?A: An Impasta.
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?A: An Investigator.
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: "You can't tuna fish."
5
Q: Which Pharaoh played the trumpet?
A: Tooting-khamun!
Q: What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships?
A: Melon of Troy.
Q: In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
A: The battle of Portaloo.
Q: Which historical figure was an expert on the springboard?
A: Lady Good-diver.
Q: What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
A: Troy Story.
6
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pits tops during the race?
He was asking for directions!
How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby!
7
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?A: Your dyslexic.
8
Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
A: Because there were so many knights!
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By norse code!
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the 1/4th!
Q: What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
A: Floodlights!
9
What's yellow and black and makes you laugh?
A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.
What do you call 100 niggers on the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
What do you call a nigger hitchhiker?
Stranded.
Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps?
Under his work boots.
How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
It is not there.
10
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-- Anyone can roast beef.
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
-- The taste!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
11
What colour socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
What to polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)
What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
(A drizzly bear!)
What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A panda bear rolling down a hill!)
What is black and white and red all over?
(A panda bear with a sunburn!)
12
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
Q: Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children?
A: He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.
Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine.
13
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K).
Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What did the midget say when I asked him for a dollar?
A: "Sorry, I'm a little short"
14
Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
One cup and you're up all night.
Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra?
Niagara Falls.
Q: What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?
A: Miracle Gro & Fix-a-flat!
What happens when you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time?
Just ask Don King.
Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viagra?
It may cause them to spin around and point north.
15
Q: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: What do priests and McDonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns.
What do history teachers talk about on dates?
The good old days!
What do you call a detective from the reformation?Martin Sleuther!
Who was the biggest thief in history ?Atlas! He held up the whole world.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?He wanted to Mark Antony!
Why did Eve want to move to New York ?She fell for the Big Apple !
2
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?A: An Impasta.
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?A: An Investigator.
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: "You can't tuna fish."
3
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
4
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant.5
Q: Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?
A: It was too far to swim
Q: Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
A: At the bottom of his garden.
Q: Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
A: Julius Sneezer
Q: What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
A: Their middle name
Q: Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
A: Because it was an early bird!6
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!
What is a myth?
A female moth!
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
That's funny, it did this morning!7
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?A: Your dyslexic.
8
Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
A: I don't know, I wasn't invited!
Q: What's purple and 5000 miles long?
A: The grape wall of China.
Q: What did Mason say to Dixon?
A: We've got to draw the line here!
Q: Who made King Arthur's round table?
A: Sir-Cumference
Q: Who built the ark?
A: I have Noah idea!9
How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant?
When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.
What's the good part of there being no blacks on the Jetsons?
It means the future will be great!
Why do blacks have white hands and feet?
They were on all fours when God spray painted them!
Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think its whale shit!
What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers Day!10
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
-- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did the duck go to rehab?
Because he was a quack addict!
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.11
Why do bears have fur coats?
(Because they look silly wearing jackets!)
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
(A bear-faced lyre!)
What do you call bears with no ears?
(B!)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
(Because he was stuffed!)12
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?
A: Cocksucker!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to people’s lives.
A: Drinking licking sucking fucking and wanking.
Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions.13
Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Leprechan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!
Q: Why are guys calling information in Bangkok?
A: To save money on phone sex!
Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!14
Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops?
Apparently they make you look hard.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars?
You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why has Viagra been a big boon to comedians?
Because it helps them stand up.
How did the first man die from using Viagra?
The tablet got stuck in his throat and he died from a stiff neck.
Whats the generic form of Viagra?
Mycoxaflopin.15
Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A:Because he was looking for Pooh.
Q: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A: Three feet of my cock up your ass.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.16
I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?Yeah, it cracked me up too!
Why does history keep repeating itself?Because we weren't listening the first time!
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?Because there were so many knights!
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?Liberty.
2
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces?
A: Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer’s disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."3
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.4
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What is the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: the pupil.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
5
Q. Who refereed the tennis match between Caligula and Nero?
A. A Roman Umpire.
Q: Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
A: Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Q: Archaeologists recently discovered a statue of a pink lady in a T-bird. What period was it from?
A: Ancient Grease.
Q: What car did Isaac borrow from his father to help win the civil war and end slavery?
A: Abraham's Lincoln.
Q: What's fruity and burns?
A: The Grape Fire of London6
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where did Montezuma go to college?
Az Tech.
7
How did Vikings communicate at sea?
By Norse code!
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why didn't Socrates like the French fries?
Because they were made in ancient Greece.
8What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can’t sit down.
Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
Because he Sphinx he's the best!
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!
Why did John change his last name to "Hancock"?
Because it was better than John Foot Pe**s.
9
What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear?
A French tank.
The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.
What do French recruits learn in basic training?
How to surrender in 17 different languages.
What do Nazis eat for breakfast?
Luftwaffles!
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laughayette.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/6th!
10What do you call a well endowed slavic conquer?
Attila the Hung.
What do an apple and Benito Mussolini have in common?
They both belong hanging in trees.
Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
Do you know the 16th President of the United States?
No, we were never introduced!Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A: There is white out on the screen.
11Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek?
A: Because they can never find the sausage.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A: They both swallowed a lot of semen.
12Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs?
A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
13Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
14Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: What do you call a blond with a brain?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
15Q: Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
A: Their moms told them NEVER to talk to strangers.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
16Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
17Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
A: An air mattress.
Q: Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
A: She sticks it in the microwave!
18Q: What do a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blow jobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche
Q: Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head?
A: From chasing parked cars!
19Q: Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
A: So she could see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What do blondes and dog shit have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
20Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister?
A: She got 7 years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put "flip" on both sides of a piece of paper!
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic.
2Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle.
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
3Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey.
Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist?
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him.
4Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
5Q: What do you call a window that raps?
A: 2PANEZ.
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
6Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.
Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
7Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
8Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are to little to smoke!
Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
A: Transparents.
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
9Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.10
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
11Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
12Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic.
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud.
Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop.
Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldn't stop throwing up!
13Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.
Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
A: Sherbet.
Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant.
Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It's the one rated Arrrr!
14Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
15Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.16
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear.
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!
17Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: What would you do if I stole a kiss?
A:Call the Police.
Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina.
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
18Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
19Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
20Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
1
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
2Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favourite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
3Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
4Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
5Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
6Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.
7Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: "With a bee bee gun."
8
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!9
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well.10
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!11
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
12Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic.Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch.Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!13
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.14
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!15
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!16
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!17
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?A: A watch dog.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
18
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?A: SUPPLIES!
19
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?A: It was below C level!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?A: Tentacles.
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?A: Don't look, I'm changing.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?A: Nacho Cheese.
20
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semi-permeable membrane?
A: Ozmoses
Q: When did George Washington die?
A: Just before they buried him.
Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive.
1
Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They're.
Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: What is Grammar?
A: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you’re shit.
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
2Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the school dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
Q: What's the difference between a dead prostitute and school?
A: School still sucks!
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
3Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
A: They required an orientation.
4Q: How did the geography student drown?
A: His grades were below C-level.
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: Why is a math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9
5Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
A: SWAG
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: How does a math professor propose to his fiancée?
A: With a polynomial ring!
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- because it stretches.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
6Q: How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?
A: Romeostasis.
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin.
7Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
A: Warsaw!
Q: What do you call a music teacher with problems?
A: a trebled man.
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
8Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious.
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus.
Q: Name a bus you can never enter?
A: A syllabus.
Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal".
Q: Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
A: Because it's basic material.
9Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming.
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!
What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
10
What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!
What do golfers use in China?
China tees!
What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!
11
Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!
What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!I 'd tell you another joke about a pencil.
But it doesn't have any point!
12
Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
What was the gangsters last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case!
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir!
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!
13
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!
What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!
Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!
What city cheats at exams?
Peking!
14
What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!
Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A's and one B!
Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!
15
Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!
What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!
Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!
I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents. Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!
16
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?A: When you're eating a watermelon!
17
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What was the Cat in the Hat looking for in the toilet?A: For thing one and thing two.
18
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?A: She couldn't control her pupils!
19
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
20
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
1
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?A: A cloud!
2
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
3
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
4
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
5
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
6
Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested?
A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school?
A: History, because it's full of dates!
7
Q: Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
A: Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!
Q: When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
A: Rust in peace!
Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesars!
Q: What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water?
A: The Mississippi River
Q: Where do the pianists go for vacation?
A: Florida Keys
8
Q: What is the smartest state?
A: Alabama, it has four A's and one B.
Q: What stays in the corner, but travels around the world?
A: A stamp!
Q: Where to pencils come from?
A: Pennsylvania!
Q: What are the Great Plains?
A: The 747, Concorde and F-16!
Q: Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
A: Student: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up!
9
Q: What is the capital of Alaska?
A: Come on, Juneau this one!
Q: What rock group has four men that don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore!
Q: What city cheats at exams?
A: Peking!
Q: What is the capital of Washington?
A: The W!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey!
10
Q: What is the fastest country in the world?
A: Rush-a!
Q: Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
A: Student: I didn't even know it was sick!
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: Teacher: Didn't I tell you to stand at the end of the line?
A: Student: I tried but there was someone already there!
11
Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both give out sentences.
Q: Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
A: Student: Not really.
Q: Why did the teacher go to the beach?
A: To test the water.
Q: Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?
A: Student: Big hands!
Q: Teacher: If you got $20 from 5 people, what you get?
A: Student: A new bike.
12
Q: Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at John's exam?
A: Student: I hope you didn't either.
Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?
A: Student: May, it only has three letters.
Q: Teacher: Answer my question at once. What is 7 plus 2?
A: Student: At once!
Q: Why did closing her eyes remind the teacher of her classroom?
A: Because there were no pupils to see.
Q: Why did the teacher turn the lights on?
A: Because her class was so dim.
13Q: What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
A: Pick them up and roll them back
Q: What did the ghost teacher say to the class?
A: Look at the board and I will go through it again.
Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?
A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
14Q: What kind of meals do math teachers eat?
A: Square meals!
Q: Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
A: Class: At once!
Q: Why didn't the two 4's want any dinner?
A: Because they already 8!
Q: What is a math teacher's favorite sum?
A: Summer!
Q: What is a butterfly's favorite subject at school?
A: Mothematics.
15Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Q: What did zero say to the number eight?
A: Nice belt.
Q: Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
A: Student: You told me not to use tables.Whats long and hard on a nigger?
First grade.
What do black men do after sex?
15 years to life.
16
Why do decent white folks shop at nigger yard sales?
To get all their stuff back.
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?
White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
Why do pill bottles have cotton buds in the top of them?
To remind niggers that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected.
What's black and white and goes rolling along the boardwalk?
A nigger and a pigeon fighting over a chicken wing!
17
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.
What are the 3 things you cannot give a black guy?
A fat lip, a black eye, or a job.
What do nigger pimps and farmers have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business!
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.
What did the Alabama sheriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
18
Black magic.... It doesn't work.
I'm not racist, my shadow is black.
I've got this black friend... just kidding.
Why is making toast like an interracial couple having a baby?
It's annoying when it comes out black.
How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
You ever try to take a rib from a nigger?
What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"
Someone just knocked on the door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said "Fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one"
19
What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Beat Us -OR- Farmers Used to Buy Us
Hear about G.M.'s new nigger Cadillac?
The glove compartments big enough to hold a watermelon.
Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
What happens to black people after they die?
Nigger Mortis.
What repulsive thing can be found in a nigger's clothes?
The nigger.
20
Racism is when you run over a nigger with your truck.
Reverse-racism is when you back up.
Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.
If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheetah be?
The brains of the outfit.
Why are so many niggers moving to Detroit?
They heard there were no jobs there.
What does cotton have in common with noses?
Niggers are good at picking both.
1
Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because of the pubic hair on their heads.
What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit in his face
What do you call a nigger in a suit?
Defendant.
What did God say when he made the first nigger?
Oops! I burnt this one!
How are black people and tornadoes similar?
It only takes one to ruin a neighbourhood.
2
What did Whitney Houston and Apollo 13 have in common?
A major crack problem.
Why do a lot of niggers go to visit the Liberty Bell?
They heard was was some crack in it.
What's the best way to keep a nigger confused?
Ask him what's his daddy's last name!
Whitney Houston’s life is like skiing.
Once you get on the white powder, it’s all down hill from there
Why Do Blacks Hate Country?
Every time they here Ho-Down They think someone shot their sister.
3
What do you call the New Orleans Superdome full of milk?
Cocoa Puffs.
What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
An auctioneer.
What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TVs floating in the air?
Drop it nigger!
What do you call an all-black beach?
A litter box.
Whats the difference between a nigger and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
4Whats faster then a nigger running with your TV?
His brother with the VCR.
What do you call 4 black guys in a car?
Tinted windows.
It's true what they say about once you try black, you never go back.
I dated a black girl and now my family has disowned me.
Why do niggers have red eyes after sex?
Pepper spray.
What's the difference between a nigger and a bouncy castle?
You dont take your shoes off to jump on a nigger!
5
What do you call a nigger with a regular job, who doesn’t drive a lowrider, sleeps in the same bed every night, doesn’t collect welfare, and doesn’t rape White women?
An inmate.
The black guy I was walking behind stopped, turned and asked "Are you following me?"
"No", I said "You've got evolution all mixed up."
What do a nigger and a bicycle have in common?
They only work with a chain on.
Why are niggers' teeth so white?
So you know where to aim your punch when you're about to get mugged at night.
What do you get when you cross a nigger and a gorilla?
A really stupid gorilla.
6
Have you heard scientists have bred a nigger with an octopus?
It's an ugly fucker, but it sure can pick cotton.
How do you make a nigger nervous?
Take it to an auction.
What's the difference between a park bench and a Nigger?
The Bench is the only thing that can support a family.
What does a nigger have in common with a soda machine?They both don't work and always take your money.
Why don't niggers like asprin?
They're white, they work and you have to pick cotten to find them.
7
What do you call one black guy on moon?
A problem.
What do you call two black guys on the moon?
A problem
What do you call the entire race of black guys on the moon?
A problem solved.
How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
You don't.
Why was the wheelbarrow invented?
To teach niggers to walk on their hind legs.
8
What did the sunbather shout at the nigger?
Ain't you dark enough already?
What's a crying shame?
When a bus full of niggers drives off a cliff and there were 3 empty seats.
Why are there trees in Harlem?
Public transportation.
Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval?
He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steam roller.
What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"
9
A nigger goes into a library and says, "I..."
The librarian interrupts and says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
What do you call a barn full of dead niggers?
Out dated farm equipment.
How did a whole regiment of niggers die in WWII?
When their commander said "get down" they started dancing!
Why do monkeys always look so sad?
They know they'll be black one day.
Why do all black people run fast?
Because all the slow ones are in jail.
10
Why are there only 2 pall bearers at a nigger’s funeral?
A garbage can only has two handles!
"Life is like a box of chocolates."
Not all the black ones can be trusted.
How is a nigger like a broken gun?
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
What do you call 10 niggers in a steam room?
Gorillas In The Mist.
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
11
I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
How do you make holy water?You boil the hell out of it.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.
12
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how everything works.
Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?-- His lips are moving.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?A cloud.
13
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
-- A gummy bear!
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
14
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
How do you seduce a fat woman?Piece of cake.
15
Why can’t an idiot dial ?
-- He can’t find the on the phone!
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?-- Shoe!
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
If out of people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
16
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Why do farts smell?So deaf people can enjoy them too.
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?A. Beer in each hand!
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?-- Damn.
17
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
-- He had no body to go with him!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
18
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?Take your foot off his head.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
19
I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club?Alone.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?Telling you his real name.
How does a man show that he's planning for the future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you?-- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
20
Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
-- Because she just had her hair done!
What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?-- He works it out with a pencil.
Granddad, what's the best thing about being ?-- No peer pressure.
Where do you get virgin wool?-- Ugly sheep.
What do you do if a bird shits on your car?-- Don't ask her out again.
1
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
-- Because they taste funny.
What do your boss and a slinky have in common?-- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?Snowballs.
For Christmas, I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.
Q. What's pink and fluffy?A. Pink fluff.
2
Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
-- It swells during the night!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!
Yo momma so fat when she went to the circus the little girl asked if she could ride the elephant
Is this insecticide good for beetles?- No, it’ll kill them!
What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night?Paddy O' Furniture.
3
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Only is American will you see "poor" fat people.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
(Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!)
Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?
(A re-tail store!)
Did you hear the story about the peacock?
(Yes, it's a beautiful tale!)
4
What is even smarter than a talking bird?
(A spelling bee!)
Why do hummingbirds hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)
What do you give a sick bird?
(Tweetment!)
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
(Because it's too far to walk!)
What birds are found in Portugal?
Portu-geese!)
5
What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
(The crane!)
What's noisier than a whooping crane?
(A trumpeting swan!)
Did you hear the joke about the broken egg?
(Yes, it cracked me up!)
What bird is with you at every meal?
(A swallow!)
What bird is always sad?
(The blue jay!)
6
What do you call a bird in the winter?
(Brrr-d!)
Two flies are on the porch. Which one is an actor?(The one on the screen!)
What is the biggest ant in the world?
(An eleph-ant!)
Why was the baby ant confused?
(Because all of his uncles were ants!)
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a honey bee?
(Bah-humbug!)
7
How do bees get to school?
(By school buzz!)
Why do bees have sticky hair?
(Because they have honeycombs!)
What do you get when you cross a walrus with a bee?
(A wallaby!)
Why did the bee go to the doctor?
(Because she had hives!)
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
(A walkie-talkie!)
8
How do fleas travel from place to place?
(By itch-hiking!)
What are caterpillars afraid of?
(Doger-pillars!)
What is an insect's favorite sport?
(Cricket!)
Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?
(To see the butter fly!)
Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance?
(Because it was a moth ball!)
9
Two silk worms were in a race. Who won?
(It was a tie!)
What do you get if you cross a tarantula and a rose?
(I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!)
Why are spiders good swimmers?
(They have webbed feet!)
What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
(Darn it!)
Why are frogs so happy?
(Because they eat what bugs them!)
10
What did one frog say to the other?
(Time's sure fun when you're having flies!)
Why was the mother firefly unhappy?
(Because her children weren't that bright!)
Where does a 500-pound canary sit?
(Anywhere it wants!)
What's yellow, weighs 1,000 pounds, and sings?
(Two 500 pound canaries!)
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
(To get to the other side!)
11
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
(Roost beef!)
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from?
(A poul-tree!)
What's a haunted chicken?
(A poultry-geist!)
What's a henway?
(About 5 pounds!)
What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk!)
12
What do you call a cow with two legs?
(Lean beef!)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
(Ground beef!)
Where do cows go for entertainment?
(To the moo-vies!)
What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
(An animal that can milk itself!)
What is a cow's favorite day?
(Moo-years Day!)
13
What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
(An udder failure!)
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
(Roost beef!)
What happened to the lost cattle?
(Nobody's herd!)
Why can't you shock cows?
(They've herd it all!)
Have you heard about the cow astronaut?
(He landed on the moooon!)
14
Why did the cow cross the road?
(To get to the udder side!)
Why do cows wear bells?
(Their horns don't work!)
What do you get when you cross a cow and a goat?
(A coat!)
What do you call a sleeping bull?
(A bull-dozer!)
What do you call a grumpy cow?
(Moo-dy!)
15
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
(Laughing stock!)
What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
(A Moo-sician!)Why do male deer need braces?(Because they have buck teeth!)
What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
(Bamboo!)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
(No idea!)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
(Still no idea!)
16
What does a triceratops sit on?
(Its tricera-bottom!)
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
(A dino-snore!)
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
(Because it was an early bird!)
What was T. rex's favorite number?
(Eight!)
Why did the dinosaur get in the bed?
(Because he was tired!)
17Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)
What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
(Lazy bones!)
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
(Tyrannosaurus wrecks!)
What did the dinosaur say after the car crash?
(I'm-so-saurus!)
What do you call it when a dinosaur makes a goal with a soccer ball?
(A dino-score!)
18What do you call a plated dinosaur when he is asleep?
(Stegosnorus!)
What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
(A dinobore!)
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
(Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!)What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur?
(Long distance!)
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
(Because they can't afford new ones!)
19What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
(Hello, hello!)
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
(That depends on how fast you carry it!)
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
(Dino-sore!)
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
(Because they wouldn't take a bath!)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
(The chicken hadn't evolved yet!)
20What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
(Two dinosaurs!)
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?
(Anything you want, it can't hear you!)
What's better than a talking dinosaur?
(A spelling bee!)
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
(Try-Try-Try-ceratops!)
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
(Tyrannosaurus wrecks!)
1
Which dinosaur slept all day?
(The dino-snore!)
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots?
(Tyrannosaurus tex!)
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
(A Bronco-saurus!)
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
(Dino-mite!)
When can three giant dinosaurs get under one umbrella and not get wet?
(When it's not raining!)
2
What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
(The Terror-dactyl!)
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
(A Stegosaurus on roller skates!)
What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
(A dinoscore!)
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?
(A Tricera-hops!)
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
(Jurassic Pork!)
3
What family does T. rex belong to?
(I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!)
What made the dinosaur's car stop?
(A flat Tire-annosaurus!)
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armour out in the rain?
(A Stegosau-rust!)
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
(A dino-saw!)
Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes?
(A dino-sewer!)
4
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
(Tricera-cops!)
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
(Rep. Tile!)
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
(To the dino-shore!)
How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don't, you get down off a duck!)
When a duck has no money, what does it tell the waiter?
(Put it on my bill!)
5
Which animal grows down?
(A duck!)
What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
(Why, that's a difference of a pinion!)
Who stole the soap?
(The robber ducky!)
What do ducks watch on TV?
(Duckumentaries!)
Chickens rise when the rooster crows, but when do ducks get up?
(At the quack of dawn!)
6
Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler!
Q: Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?A: A white owl says, "hoot, hoot" a black owl says, "who dat, who dat"
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?A: a PDF File.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?A: AIDS!
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
7
Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?A: It’s not hard.
Q: Why did the Indians come to America first?A: Because they had reservations.
Q: How did you get a fat chick into bed?A: A Piece of Cake.
8
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!
Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?A: IHOP!
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?A: Virgin Mobile.
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?A. Call her and tell her.
9
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was "The Wall"
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom?A: Society!
Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?A: Single.
Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
10
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?A: 45 lbs.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?A: A cherry float.
Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool?A: Rice Krispies.
Q: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?A: Vomit.
11
Q: What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you call a guy from India that has done everything?A: Bindar Dundat.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?A: A fuckin know-it-all!
Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."
Q: What do you call a judge with no balls?
A: Justice Prick.
12
Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
A: Two flies in a bottle.
Q: What's the job application to Hooters?A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
Q: What do you call lesbian twins?A: Lick-a-likes.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!
13
Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!
Q: Did you hear about the blind gynaecologist?A: He could read lips!
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?A: Doughnuts.
Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares?A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
14
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?A: A Fire Cracker!
Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?A: Tai Nee.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: Whats the difference between light and hard?A: You can go to sleep with a light on!
15
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Why did God create orgasms?A: So women can moan even when they’re happy.
Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?A: A liar.
16
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who committed suicide?A: He got himself into a real stew.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?A: "I'll see you next month."
Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
17
Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics?A: Not being a retard.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.
Q: Why do Asian girls have small boobs?A: Because only A's are acceptable.
Q: What did one tampon say to the other?A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
18
Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?A. Very satisfying.
Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
Q: What do you call Iron Man without his suit?A: Stark naked!
Q: What is the square root of 69?A: Ate something.
19
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?A: You have to chew before you swallow!
Q: Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto?A: Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played!
20
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza boy have in common?A. They can smell it but they can’t eat it!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
1
Q: What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
A: Your mom can't take a joke.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money?A: They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?A: $4.99 a minute.
2
Q: Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
A: He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?A: Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What kind of institution is Marriage?A: One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Q: What does marriage do?A: Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Q: What kind of rings do men need for marriage?A1: Engagement Ring A2: Wedding Ring A3: Suffe-Ring A4: Endu-Ring
3
Q: Whats the definition of a happy marriage?
A: One where the husband gives and the wife takes.
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
Q: When are feminists bad?A: After one marries your sister!
Q: Who is the perfect husband?A: One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!
Q: When is it okay to Love thy neighbor?A: When her husband is away on business!
4
Q: How hard is it to lose a wife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
Q: Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?A: Because love means nothing to them!
Q: Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl?A: One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father!
Q: The difference between marriage and death?A: Dead people are free.
Q: What is the ideal marriage?A: One between a deaf man and a blind woman.
5
Q: Which one of your children will never grow up and move away?
A: Your husband!
Q: How do you transfer funds even faster than electronic banking?A: By getting Married!
Q: Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom.A: In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Q: Marriage is what kind of sport?A: One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
Q: What kind of process is Marriage?A: A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
6
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
Why shouldn't you mix prune juice and viagra?You won't know if your coming or going.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra?A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Why is Viagra now being compared to Disneyland?They're both one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Did you hear what happened to the guy who choked on Viagra?He got a stiff neck!
7
What happens to criminals who sell fake Viagra?
They face stiff penalties!
Why do nursing homes give their male patients Viagra?To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Did you hear about the criminal who repeatedly would break into pharmacies and steal Viagra?He was a hardened criminal.
What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.
How did the American's finally find Osama Bin Laden?The Americans heard he was hiding in a field. So they sprayed it with VIAGRA and the prick stood up!
8
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month.
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use?A growth chart.
How can you find guys who steal hundreds of bottles of Viagra?Because they tend to be hardened criminals!
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?A: He got to the root of every case.
Q: How can you make a soup rich?A: Add 14 carrots (carats) to it.
9
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round it would want to pea!
Q: How do you kill a salad?A: You go for the carrot-id artery.
Q: What did the carrot say to the vibrator?A: "Why are you shaking? It’s me she’s going to eat!"
Q: Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?A: A carrot.
Q: What's a Vegetable's favourite martial art?A: Carrotee!
10
Q: How do you lead a horse to water?
A: With carrots.
Q: Why did the carrot get an award?A: Because he was out standing in his field.
Q: Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?A: Judas Is-carrot.
Q: What did one snowman say to the other?A: Does it smell like carrots?
Q: How do you make gold soup?A: Put 24 carrots in it.
11
Q: Whats orange and smells of carrots?
A: Rabbit puke!
Q: Why did the Ukrainian turn his carrot around?A: He wanted to start the orange revolution!
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?A: It's been nice gnawing you.
Q: What's a vegetable's favourite casino game?A: Baccarrot!
Q: What does the Carrot priest say at church?A: "Lettuce Pray".
12
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
13
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?When its past your eyes!
14
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
Why do crabs never give to charity?Because they're shellfish.
What do you call an Argentinean with a rubber toe?Roberto.
What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital?Manuel.
What's Forest Gump's Facebook password?1forest1.
15
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?Because it was well armed.
How do you organize a space party?You planet.
How much does a hipster weigh?An instagram.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?An Orca-stra.
16
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?Damn!
What cheese can never be yours?Nacho cheese.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?In his sleevies.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?The p is silent.
17
Q: What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe?
A: 400 Million Dollars.
"My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful".
What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beef.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?Bison.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?Because he was outstanding in his field.
18
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?Because then they'd be bay-gulls!
What do you call a fly without wings?A walk.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?Pull the pin and throw it back.
19
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
How do you make a hankie dance?Put a little boogie in it.
Where does batman go to the bathroom?The batroom.
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?About 5000 miles.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?A cloud.
20What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
I'll ketch up.
What did the 0 say to the 8?Nice belt.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he had no guts.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?Because they have nobody to go with.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
1
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What kind of magic do cows believe in?MOODOO.
At what time does the soldier go to the dentist?1430.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
2
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
3
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
4
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
5
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
6
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him.
7
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
8
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish.
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.
What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!
Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!
9
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
10
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.
What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.
11
What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick!
12
What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!
Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
13
Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee.
When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.
14
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.
Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
15
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don't think it's feline well.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
16
Without geometry life is pointless.
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
17
Tea is for mugs.
A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."
18
Just watched a documentary about beavers... It was the best damn program I've ever seen.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes.
A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."
19
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I fear for the calendar, its days are numbered.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Slept like a log last night ... woke up in the fireplace.
20
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
Velcro... What a rip-off.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - they're not laughing now.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill"