Racist Jokes

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

 

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

 

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"

 

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."

 

How do you starve a black person? Put their food stamp card under their workboots!

 

There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local."

 

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay.

 

Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration Camp!

 

Why do Mexican kids eat tamales on Christmas? So they can have something to unwrap.

 

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"

 

Q: What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman? 
A: One is on the cover of Playboy and the other is on the cover of National Geographic.

 

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto

 

I work at a survey place, and I have to ask people for their race. People get so upset when you ask them for their race. "Mam, what is your race?" "Now how da' hell is you gon' ask me dat?" "Okay, so you're African American."

 

How are black people and tornadoes the same? It only takes one to ruin a good neighborhood.

 

An Asian lady went into labor and her child came out black. The doctor asked her if she picked a name for the baby and she said, "Yea, Som Ting Wong!" (Something's wrong)

 

A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Chinese guy are riding in a truck. Who's driving? Immigration.

 

Q: Do you know who was the first black guy to admit he is the father? 
A: Darth Vader.

 

Q: What do you call two black men in a red sleeping bag? 
A: A Kit Kat.

 

Q: What's the problem with an Asian pet store?
A: There's always a kitchen in the back.

 

Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies? 
A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

 

Why are we so sure that Eve was African? If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple! She would say, "Is this organic? What would Oprah do?" If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!

 

Tyrone's first day in the first grade he came home crying. When his mother asked why, he replied, "The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to the letter E. Why is that? His mom said, "Because you black and they white." The next day Tyrone was crying again. "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asked. Tyrone said, "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get up to 10. Why is that?" The mom answered, "Because you black and they white." The third day he came home smiling. "What happened today, Tyrone?" asked his mom. "We went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all, because I'm black and they white, right mama?" She said, "No, Tyrone, it's because you 17 and they 6."

 

Q: Why don't Black people take free cruises? 
A: Because they aren't falling for that one again.

 

A baby duck and a baby skunk finish crossing the freeway after just narrowly escaping death. Their families however were all killed by a big-rig. Upon reaching the other side, the little duck tells the baby skunk, "My parents both died and didn't tell me what I am." "Well," says the baby skunk, "You are yellow and you have a bill and webbed feet. You must be a duck." The duck thanked him. The baby skunk then tells the duck, "You know what, my parents didn't tell me what I am either." "Well," says the baby duck, "You're not quite black and you're not quite white and you smell bad. You must be Mexican."

 

Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank? 
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

 

How many cops does it take to arrest a Mexican? Eight. One to carry him, the rest to carry his oranges.

 

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? One, unless it's a black bulb, then he'll call for backup!

 

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

 

I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

 

Why do Jewish people love air? Because it's free.

 

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

 

A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"

 

What is the difference between garbage and an Irish girl? Garbage gets picked up.

 

A friend of mine got in trouble for punching an african-american woman. In his defense, he was told to go to Home Depot and get a black and decker.

 

Q: Why do black people smell? A: So blind people can hate them too.

 

Q: Why do Asians hate football? A: Because they spend 13 hours a day making them.

 

Q: There are 3 families living in 3 apartments in one building, a Mexican family, a white family, and a black family. A tonado hits the building one day. Which family survives? 
A: The white family, because the children are at school and the parents are at work.

 

Being Asian and a woman definitely has its advantages. For example, when you’ve had a few drinks and have to drive home past midnight, you think you're driving perfectly fine, but in reality you're not. Next thing you know, there's a cop. The cop sees you and doesn’t even bother pulling you over, let alone giving you a ticket. Why? Well, he’s probably thinking, “This person’s not under the influence, it’s just an Asian woman driving!”

 

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are hanging out in a bar. The Russian tosses up a whiskey bottle and says, "We have a lot of these back home." The Texan tosses up the Mexican and says, "We have a lot of these back home."

 

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were on a North American transcontinental flight. The Canadian stuck his hand out of the plane, and said, "We have reached Canada." The others asked, "How do you know?" The Canadian responded, "Because I have just touched the tip of the CN tower." A couple hours later, the American sticks his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached the USA." The rest asked, "How do you know?" The american replied, "Because I have just touched the tip of the Empire State Building." Another couple of hours passed and the Mexican said, "We have just reached Mexico." The American and Canadian asked, "How do you know?" The Mexican answered, "Because when I stuck my hand out the window someone stole my watch."

 

What do a fat lady and concrete have in common? They both have been laid by Mexicans.

 

Don't be racist. Be like the multi-cultural panda bear: black, white, and Chinese.

 

Did you hear about the Iranian who locked himself out of his car? It took three hours to get his family out of it.

 

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he passed out along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. Early Sunday morning the two town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. "Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!" one exclaimed. "No I haven't Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment." As she searched her bag, she found something and said, "Here this should do it." And she tied a ribbon around his member. "Serves him right," they huffed and continued on to church. Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said, "Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!"

 

Q: Why do Italian men wear necklaces? 
A: To let them know where to stop shaving.

 

An Irishman, an Indian man, a British man, and a Scottish man are riding in a plane. The pilot shouts back, "We need to lose some weight or we'll crash!" So the Irishman throws out some beer and saying, "We got enough of that in our country." The Indian throws out some curry and says, "We got enough off that in our country." The Scottish man throws some bagpipes off and says, "We got enough of that in our country." Then the British man picks up the Indian and chucks him off the plane saying, "We got enough off them that in our country."

 

A robber sticks his gun in a Scotsman's ribs and demands, "Your money or your life!" When after a moment there is no answer, he repeats his demand, "Your money or your life!" to which the Scotsman replies, "I'm thinking it over!"

 

A black man is lost in the forest. A hunter finds him and says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you ax me a tree?" The black man says, "No, but I can ax you a question?"

 

Q: Why was the Malasian plane lost? 
A: Because an Asian was driving it!

 

I've heard opinions of many people in my life who are under the perception that Irish Catholics are hands down the most prejudice people on this earth. Well, I'm here to set that rumor straight once and for all. As my Irish born grandmother from Donegal always used to say, ''Why no! How ridiculous! The Irish prejudice? Oh my, that is not true. We think less of all of you equally without regard to who you are!"

 

A group of Cro-Magnons are standing on a cliff, looking a group of Neanderthals and say,"How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?" The answer is none they don't have it yet.

 

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb. 10, one to screw in the light bulb and nine to hold the ladder.